Dove with Branch
October 29, 2007 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk

Welcome!

This weekly newsletter is available free by subscription. All copies for the year are available on my website.

If you enjoy this newsletter and know someone who you think may enjoy it as well, please feel free to share it with them

Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, I am a junior in high school and I want to pierce my ears but my parents won't let me. My friends all pierce their ears and many of them do even more. Piercing tongues and belly buttons is common. How can I get my parents to agree, or should I have them pierced anyway as they will most likely not even notice, as I can just put them in after I leave the house? What can they do about it anyway? - Carla in OH

Dear Carla, What they can do about it anyway is not the point. Your parents job is to create a belief system for your life, and unless it is illegal it is your responsibility to learn it. It is reasonable to be required to live by your parents' values unless they are illegal or unhealthy. When you leave home you are free to reject them, but not yet. Think carefully about why you want to get your ears pierced state you case and accept their decision. Until you become an adult think of yourself as a person in training. You can work on which rules you want to keep as an adult and be ready to take control of your life at that point. - the Dean

Dear Dean, We live in an old house. My husband is a capable carpenter and can fix things when they break. The problem is he works long hours to make enough money and says he needs his time on the weekend to rest. We don't have enough money to hire someone but the work needs to be done and he won't do it what do you suggest? - Gloria in SF

Dear Gloria, I suggest you find a way to get your husband interested in doing the work. Maybe a offer to fix his favorite dessert will help. If he is not up to it and you want it done then find a way to get someone to do it, find a way to save the money, learn how to make the repairs, or wait until your husband is ready to do it. It may be temping to browbeat and/or punish him in some way but those tactics create more problems than they solve, even if they do get the house fixed. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: P.O. Box 535, Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

We listen to the news of what is going on in the world. We read the newspaper and get more of the same. We study history and see that this "man's inhumanity to man" has been going on forever, and it continues today. It is easy to draw the conclusion that this is our destiny. History will continue to repeat itself. That this is the human condition is an easy conclusion to draw.

If we look closely however, we see many reasons to believe otherwise. We have the desire to change. We have the capacity to learn. We have learned many lessons from our past mistakes. We now have more democratic governments than we did before. We still have too many wars, but they are more about freedom and less about conquest. Almost everyone is becoming educated to some level. We are learning how to make better choices for ourselves. We are learning to produce a higher quality of life for most people. Instead of history repeating itself we find it evolving in an ascending spiral. We still experience chaos but out of chaos eventually positive change appears.

As more of us recognize the value of love, we move from that place of personal greed to caring for others. We do this because we realize it makes our own life better. We still act in our own self-interest. It is however an enlightened self-interest recognizing that ultimately we cannot be happy by harming others; and that this is an abundant world with plenty for all when we learn to share. We are learning that sharing is good because it produces abundance and it produces love.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

Don't become a mind reader. We need to learn to not make assumptions about what our partner is thinking or wants. Also, we should never assume that they fully understand what we are telling them. Finishing your partner's sentence for them when you think you know what they are about to say not only leads to their resentment and anger but also to your own lack of understanding about who they really are.

On the other hand, be clear when you are communicating something to your partner. Don't assume that the other person automatically knows what you mean when you say something. Their way of thinking is not identical to yours, and misunderstandings are likely if you are not explicit and clear. Such misunderstandings can often lead to one or the other becoming fearful or angry. We need to do the best we can to make sure the other person understands what we are thinking.

Arthur Conan Doyle in his Sherlock Homes series left us with an idea that it is really wonderful to be able to take a few facts and find the answer. We need to overcome the idea that it is clever to be able to understand what someone is really thinking or saying just by listening to a few words. When we are trying to understand something the idea is to withhold judgment until we can get as much information as possible. The more we jump to conclusions the more we will be creating misunderstandings - and unnecessary stress.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Pay attention to how often you assume you know what someone is telling you before they complete what they are saying.

Tuesday: When you are uncertain of what someone is saying ask what they mean instead of guessing what they mean.

Wednesday: When someone says something different than what you expect take the time to make sure they mean what you think they do.

Thursday: Be accurate and complete when explaining and making requests of others.

Friday: When someone tells you something find out how they feel as that is part of the message.

Saturday: Expect that many words will have a different meaning to the other person.

Sunday: Resolve not to be the super sleuth who "knows" the answer from just a few clues.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of A Peaceful New World and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

My Phone Seminar for this week is: The real world vs. Your World

We all have our own unique way of looking at the world. However the world is what it is regardless of what we think it should be. Learning to accept what is happening in the world as being so is necessary for our own personal peace.

You can schedule a phone seminar for the days offered. You can schedule them at your convenience for any day Monday through Thursday between 5:30 PM and 7:30 PM Pacific Time by calling 800-359-6015 or e-mailing drdean@lifewithoutanger.com at least 24 hours in advance to arrange a scheduled time.

The price is $15.00 for a one hour seminar. If you subscribe to my free newsletter "Insights from the Dean of Peace" you are entitled to two free phone seminars to use at your convenience.

If you are a charitable or religious organization and would like to reprint any of my articles please contact me for permission, which will be cheerfully granted.

If you know someone who might be interested in using any, or all of my regular newspaper columns please pass this information on to them. Or send me their e- mail address, or telephone number, and I will be happy to send them the information.

Past issues of this newsletter are archived on my website.

Remember if you want the free e-book and phone seminars you must subscribe to this newsletter at the website.

I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

Contact Information

phone: 800-359-6015 fax:541-935-9361

If you wish to no longer receive this newsletter please send a reply which includes "unsubscribe" and the existing subject line in the reply.

The subject line and the address to which it was sent must be included.