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From: "drdean" <drdean@iconnectto.net>
To: "Jurgens, Craig" <inbox@jurgensis.com>
Subject: Newsletter 12/3 Posting problem
Date: Thu, 20 Dec 2007 14:55:37 -0800
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Craig, This ones shows it as posted but I can't open it up on the website - Dean

Dove with Branch
December 3, 2007 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk

Welcome!

I have just returned from two weeks in Nepal where I have been working with Society For Without Anger - Nepal (SEWA-Nepal) to expand the Life Without Anger training program beyond the initial three schools that are conducting the program. the trip was successful beyond my expectations. I will include a report on events there in future newsletters.

This weekly newsletter is available free by subscription. All copies for the year are available on my website.

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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, I love to keep and display gifts that people have given me from the past. My husband is concerned that some of the gifts were given to me by old boyfriends and he is afraid that I may still have an attachment to the old boyfriends. I don't have any attachment to the boy friends and wouldn't even think of them unless he mentioned it. I do like the gifts and don't want to throw them away. Should I do it anyway just to make him happy? - Kara in Toledo

Dear Kara, The real problem seems to be your husband's jealousy. He should be working on getting over his jealousy. A successful marriage depends on trust. If he is willing to work on the problem you could help him out by giving away, or at least putting away the relevant gifts. Perhaps a compromise, such as throwing out the gifts might be helpful if he agrees to work on his problem in return. Neither of you are perfect. Helping each other to get better is the basis of a good relationship. - the Dean

Dear Dean, We have been married for eleven years. Every holiday my wife insists that we have dinner with her parents. I would be happy if we take turns but she says she doesn't enjoy dinner with my family. How can I get her to have holiday dinners with my family half of the time? - Eric in Canada

Dear B.J., She may not be willing to go to your family but that shouldn't stop you from going. If you feel strongly that you should share the family dinners and she refuses you can go alone when it is your parent's turn. If you give in to her demands for the sake of the marriage then you may not have the kind of relationship you desire. If you want a relationship that is equal and she wants to be boss then something needs to change. Try to work with her to find an answer. Just letting her always decide what the two of you do is not good unless you want it that way, and obviously you don't. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: P.O. Box 535, Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

We have developed a habit of pursuing politics of self-interest. We fight to elect politicians and create laws that are favorable to ourselves, and the groups we belong to, regardless of the cost to others. If a politician from the party we support violates the law we overlook it. If a politician we oppose violates the law, we want to throw the book at him. If it is our way then it okay. Winning becomes the issue rather than fairness.

This kind of situational ethics is not a positive way to run a democracy. The basic concept of a democracy requires that we work together for the common good. We are substituting the basic idea of having a government that supports everyone, for a government that promotes our own personal interest. We think the end justifies the means. This way of thinking may produce the "things we want" if we are powerful enough. It is also guaranteed to produce disharmony and strife even for those of us who are able to get what we want.

In the long run we are not well served by promoting only our self-interest. This will result in a society that is stressful and in constant turmoil. We can't be peaceful unless we are fully considerate of the needs of others. We need to come to the realization that we can never have peace if we are going to impose our idea of how things should be on others.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

One of the most difficult lessons we have to learn is to let go of the past and to judge a situation based on its present merits. Something that worked for us when we were ten years old may no longer work very well today. When something becomes a negative experience or feeling in your life you need to take the time to open it up and examine it. Find what is causing you to feel that way. Decide whether it is something you can change, or fix in some way, in order to make it positive again. If it is possible, fix it. If not, then it is time to let go. Start the process of changing sooner rather than later.

Once you have made the decision to let go of a negative attachment, the next step is to make the commitment to release it. Have faith that the attachment can be released. And finally go through the work of breaking the old habit and putting the desired new one in its place. Some of us have the skills to let go of attachments quickly. For others, it can take more time and effort.

How quickly you release an attachment determines how much pain you experience. Releasing an unwanted attachment will bring you back to joy and happiness. Realize that if you give up the process of letting go of the negative attachment before you finish, you will be back where you started. You will have the same old problem and will have to either live with it, or start the process of change all over again. The good news is that it will be easier the second time.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Make a list of all the things in your life that upset you.

Tuesday: Think about each of the things on your list and determine why it upsets you.

Wednesday: Think about the things on your list and determine if still want to keep them in your life.

Thursday: Think about each of the things on your list and determine if you can make some change/s to make it better.

Friday: Think about the things that are actually okay and you are willing to accept them.

Saturday: Decide to release all of the negative things or conditions you are unwilling or unable to change.

Sunday: Resolve to accept those things you wish to keep but cannot change.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of A Peaceful New World and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

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I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

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