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Subject: Peace Newsletter  8-18-08
Date: Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:22:34 -0700
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Dove with Branch
August 18, 2008 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk

Dear Peacemaker,

      Welcome!

This weekly newsletter is available free by subscription. All copies for the year are available on my website.

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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, My work situation is very stressful, and I have a difficult commute. My family wants my attention as soon as I get home, but I am in need of some quiet time. My job is essential if they are going to have all the things that they want. How can I get them to respect my need for quiet time when I get home in the evening? - Greg in Palo Alto

Dear Greg, You explain your need to them in such a way that they will be able to understand and respect it. They will wait; if they understand why and it produces a happy father. I suggest before you do that you look at other aspects of this. Realize that the stress from your job is self-induced. For your own sake you would do well to change that. When you are stressed you model stress and upset for your children. Maybe you will find releasing the stress more helpful, and time with the family more valuable, than living a stressful life. - the Dean

Dear Dean, My husband works in a dead end job that doesn't pay enough to meet our needs. I am driving a twelve year old car to take my kids to activities. They don't have enough clothes. They don't have the money to eat out with their friends. It is embarrassing! I urge him to get a promotion or find another job, but he is happy where he is. He says he wants to be able to enjoy the children as they grow up, and this job allows him to do that. How can I motivate him to find a better job? - Ellen in IL

Dear Ellen, You could threaten to leave him, but that is guaranteed to produce poor results. Try considering yourself lucky to have a husband who loves his family. Try reassessing your values. You have enough to satisfy everything but your ego. If you can't find a way to be happy with what your husband is providing then find work of your own that will provide the extra self-esteem that you need. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: P.O. Box 535, Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

Most of us believe it is important to be right. We think it is bad to make mistakes and we don't want to be bad so we refuse to think that we might be making a mistake. When we think someone else is making a mistake we think it is important to correct them. Some of us even like the feeling of superiority we get when we are right and the other person is wrong. After all, in this society those who know all the answers have all the power.

When we do this we devalue the importance of relationships. Isn't a loving relationship more important than the accuracy of facts? If your partner tells someone you went out to dinner last Saturday is it important for you to correct her because it was actually Friday? Most people have learned to feel disturbed when someone corrects them. Why do we want to create this tension when it serves no purpose other than our need to be right?

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Do you want others around you to be happy? Ask yourself if there is some need other than your need to be right before you correct someone and you will avoid a lot of unnecessary conflict in your relationship with them. This applies especially to your mate. Let them be wrong unless doing so creates some kind of real problem. When you do have to make corrections be loving about it. People who give love enjoy life much more than those who are perfect. People who get love from you will enjoy you much more than those you have shown the error of their statement.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

In dealing with others, the best rule is to start from a place of trust, realizing and accepting that you could be wrong. People tend to respond to you in the same way you act. You will receive far more trust if you offer trust. If you offer distrust, distrust is what you will usually get back.

In dealing with problems that need positive responses, we are more effective (and feel better) being assertive instead of aggressive. When we respond from our thinking, we choose a thought out response rather than an emotional one. We can be assertive and accomplish what we feel we must, without being angry. It is much easier to be assertive rather than aggressive when we don't think that things must turn out a certain way.

We need to learn to not let our peace of mind become dependent on what another person does. Except for adhering to the laws set down by our society, we have no right to expect that anyone act in a certain way, just as they have no right to require that from us.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: I trust other people as being naturally truthful and caring.

Tuesday: I realize that if I trust other people I give them the opportunity to trust me.

Wednesday: I realize that good comes from trust.

Thursday: I realize that I can explain what I would like others to do without being angry.

Friday: I choose to think before I respond.

Saturday: I realize that I do not have the right to control other people.

Sunday: Others have the right to reject my requests.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of A Peaceful New World and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

If you wish to schedule a phone seminar you can schedule them at your convenience for any day Monday through Thursday between 5:30 PM and 7:30 PM Pacific Time by calling 800-359- 6015 or e-mailing drdean@lifewithoutanger.com at least 24 hours in advance to arrange a scheduled time.

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