Dove with Branch
September 01, 2008 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk
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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, I need some advise about a problem at work. People will never tell me the truth, even though it is important for me to know so that I can do my work properly. For example I need to know about our orders so I can determine how much material to buy. This upsets me and affects my performance. How can I get them to give me the correct figures? - Rod in CA

Dear Rod, Have a meeting and talk about it. Explain your need and learn about their problems. If you are not getting the right answers learn to interpolate. The most important thing is to not allow yourself to become upset by this problem. If it is out of your control accept it as something you need to become more skilled in working with. - the Dean

Dear Dean, The people I work with are a very aggressive group! I am not aggressive and don't need to be since what I do in my job is primarily to support them. The problem is that they are always taking advantage of me. They ask me to do much of the work they should be doing, and then are rude if it's not done the way they think it should be done. If I suggest they should do it themselves they just get angry and complain that I am rude and lazy. How should I deal with this? - Cynthia in CO

Dear Cynthia, Helping people is great if that is your job, or if you like doing that. If however it is upsetting you then you have the problem of dealing with the power issues of your fellow employees. Since this is extra work you have a choice of not doing it. If you like doing it then require that they appreciate and don't complain about it. Since you can choose not doing it don't feel you must, and don't be upset when someone asks - or when you tell them "sorry I can't help today." - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: P.O. Box 535, Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

There are three kinds of relationships. The first is the "I and others" relationships where we look at others as different and separate from ourselves. It is the "us against the world" relationship. For many most of their relationships are of this kind. When this is our experience life often seems like a struggle. We find ourselves battling just to get to the top of the heap, or using all of our energy just to survive. Unless we are one of the few winners, this kind of relationship is not very enjoyable to us. It often makes life seem empty, even for the winners.

The second kind of relationship is the "I - You" relationship. In this relationship we begin to care about others as well as ourselves. We become concerned for the wellbeing of others, especially those we have chosen as friends. These relationships are very enriching in our life, except when we enter into them with someone who is looking at it as an "I and others relationship". An example is the partner who refuses to go to counseling when differences cannot be resolved satisfactorily.

The third kind of relationship is the "We" relationship where the relationship becomes the entity and we become the participants in it. We are in this together. The goal we are working for is a successful relationship. Instead of the object being a way to make me happy, it becomes a way to make "We" happy. These are the most rewarding kind of relationships. When most of our relationships become this way we will find personal peace and create peace in our society.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

If you decide you don't want to be angry at the world and the way it works, then you need to make your world one of preferences. You can think: "This is the way I would like the world to be." And, "I will work to make the world the way I want it to be." And, "I enjoy doing this, this is my bliss, this is my way to change the world."

On the other hand, you could choose to carry a heavy negative charge on your emotions by thinking, "If the world isn't the way I want it to be, it is wrong." One of the keys to erasing anger from your life is, to delete the "musts" in your picture of the world. Be ready to accept the world for what it is. You can work to change the world when you are in disagreement with it, but accept it as it is for now.

Think of it as a world that you have a chance to improve, because you have a wonderful vision about how it could and should be. If you choose as your bliss working to make the world a better place, you will be better equipped to succeed by having a greater understanding of both yourself and the world.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Today I think about other people in the world, and why they think differently than I do. I try to put myself in their shoes.

Tuesday: I accept the idea that it is okay for others to have different values than I do.

Wednesday: Today I think about the things in the world that I would like to be different.

Thursday: Today I think about which of the things in the world that I want to become involved in changing.

Friday: Today I select the things in the world that I am going to work to change.

Saturday: Today I think about what I must learn in order help create meaningful change.

Sunday: Today I become involved in creating meaningful change in my world.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of A Peaceful New World and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

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