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Subject: SPAM: Personal Peace Newsletter  10-06-2008

 
Dove with Branch
October 6, 2008 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk
Dear Peacemaker,
 
     Welcome!

This weekly newsletter is available free by subscription. All copies for the year are available on my website.

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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, My son and daughter-in-law live out of town. When they come to visit they have always brought their dog. The one they have now is destructive and even potties in our house. My son has not even offered to pay for the damage. I have said they can no longer bring their dog when they visit. They say they will no longer visit unless they can bring their dog. What do you suggest? - Maureen in Seattle

Dear Maureen, Your son and daughter-in-law are throwing a mini-tantrum. As you probably know tantrums work as a strategy only as long as we allow them to work. Once you have set the rule you should support it. We don't need to be unreasonable or arbitrary when we set rules but if you see the dog as a problem you don't want to deal with then a threat is no reason for changing the rule. Giving in to someone's demands is not the way to solve life's problems. - the Dean

Dear Dean, My grown son is living at home. He brings his friends home with him and they are often loud and late at night. I am not able to get my sleep. I think he should no longer be able to bring his friends but my husband says they should be able to stay until they become disruptive. I know they won't do that. I think it's about boundaries and he needs to respect ours. - Kate in NE

Dear Kate, I don't see it just as a question of boundaries. It is also a question about negotiating with your husband. He is suggesting an alternate rule that he feels would be more appropriate. You should discuss and consider his suggestion. It is not just about your wishes. It is also about what works best, and your husband's wishes as well. If you decide to stay with the rule think of it as standing in your truth. When we think of it as a boundary then we create resistance (anger) when anyone tries to violate it. Yes your son needs to respect your (and your husbands) wishes if he is going to continue under your roof. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: P.O. Box 535, Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

Your neighbor's dog comes onto your lawn and leaves a deposit. You are upset and you don't want this to happen again. What do you do about it? Do you shout at your neighbor or throw it back on his lawn, or maybe both? This is a solution that may feel good at the time. But how effective will it be in solving the problem? Consider what the real problem might be before you respond. Consider that the real problem might be living peacefully with your neighbor?

When we get angry and retaliate, how effective are we in dealing with the bigger problem? Not very! But this is what we do all too often, in personal as well as international relations. We often don't even stop to examine the circumstances and find out exactly what happened, or why. Was it intentional, negligent, or unintended? We don't even know if the neighbor was aware of what happened. We immediately blame and dislike our neighbor regardless of the circumstances, even though our cat may be misusing their backyard.

Let's talk to our neighbor in a friendly way to bring attention to and resolve these kinds of problems. We can then find solutions that are compatible with the underlying problem of living together in peace.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

It is good to be attached to our positive goals. This attachment is part of the power that helps us attain those goals. Such attachment, however, should be limited to continued focus on seeking your goal in a positive way. If your goal (or your pursuit of it) is no longer positive then shift it back to being positive. If you can't, then release it. Seeking a goal that is no longer positive - or seeking it in a manner that is no longer positive - produces negativity in our lives.

It is never good to be attached to our negative or hindering goals. As with our positive goals, our attachment creates the power to attain them. One of the skills we need to learn is to let go of those things that produce negativity in our lives.

Review your goals in all areas of your life and identify those that are upsetting you. Just like a smoker who would like to quit, we hang on to things that we think we just must have in our life, even though we know they are hurting us. Try to figure out why you are pursuing your negative goals so that you will gain new insight about your own motivation, and therefore be able to let go.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Review all goals in your life relating to the personal aspects of your self. Make a positive list and a negative list.

Tuesday: Review each item on the negative list and see why you still want to keep it.

Wednesday: Review all goals in your life relating to how you are with others. Make a positive list and a negative list.

Thursday: Review each item on the negative list and see why you still want to keep it.

Friday: Review all goals in your life relating to your work. Make a positive list and a negative list.

Saturday: Review each item on the negative list and see why you still want to keep it.

Sunday: Release all those negative goals you no longer desire to keep in your life.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of A Peaceful New World and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

If you are a charitable or religious organization and would like to reprint any of my articles please contact me for permission, which will be cheerfully granted.

If you know someone who might be interested in using any, or all of my regular newspaper columns please pass this information on to them. Or send me their e-mail address, or telephone number, and I will be happy to send them the information.

Past issues of this newsletter are archived on my website.

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I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

Contact Information

phone: 800-359-6015 fax:541-935-9361