Dove with Branch
January 12, 2009 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk
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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, My wife often has to work late and sometimes goes on business trips which often also include men from her office. This kind of situation is dangerous for our marriage and I have asked her not to do this. I have even told her that she must give up the job if she wants to save our marriage, but she says I must learn to trust her. I don't want to end the marriage but I am unable to accept this situation, what should I do? - Gordon in KS

Dear Gordon, Unless you really don't have enough trust to accept her as she is, telling her it was a condition of marriage was a rather foolish statement. A loving relationship is based on love; and love is founded in trust. Why would you want her if she wants someone else? If you want a loving relationship you must accept and trust her. Not trusting her may well result in her not being trustworthy. Decide whether you want a partner you can trust or one you can control. - the Dean

Dear Dean, My brother is always making a mess of his life. He uses drugs, drinks, can't hold a job and has lost three wives. Every time he gets in a mess he comes to me to bail him out. I feel like bailing him out is really not helping, but how do I stop doing that? I can't make him live on the street. - Norma in AK

Dear Norma, The answer is to give love and emotional support always and think carefully about the other support you give. Ask yourself if you are being caring or enabling? Sometimes this is a very difficult question. If you are having difficulty with this issue talk to someone outside the problem. If you need a place to seek help look up Co- Dependants Anonymous or Al-Anon. You are facing the same problems as someone who has an alcoholic in their life. Learn not to feel guilty for problems that you have no responsibility for. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: P.O. Box 535, Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

In order to become a peaceful society we must learn how to be peaceful. We learn this mostly through our education as we are growing up. We learn it from our parents, our teachers and others in our society. Before we can become peaceful we must learn peaceful ways of thinking. We need to give up such things as our upset because others have inconvenienced us or want to do things differently. This comes from our education.

We spend approximately ten times the money on national defense that we spend on education. Because we have not learned peace, we spend much of our resources protecting ourselves. One answer is to spend more money on education. A better answer, I believe, is to develop and teach the concepts that will produce peace, and reduce our defense budget down to the size of our education budget.

Is this reasonable? I think so. The U.S. and its Allies spend about three times as much on "defense" as the rest of the world.. Most of our military spending is caused because we disagree with what others are doing, not because they are attacking us. We have ample opportunity to find more peaceful solutions when we become willing to accept that things must not always go just the way we want them to.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

In order to have World Peace we must first learn a way of living that allows us to always experience Personal Peace. Personal Peace comes from the way we view and respond to the world around us. Our own personal world and the way we feel about it is determined by the way we chose to respond rather than by what actually happens to us.

Whatever happens is simply what happens. How we choose to view it is determined by our own personal belief system, the way we look at things, and how we feel about all of the stuff that has happened to us in the past. How we feel, and how we respond to something always comes from our own personal choice that we make at the moment the event or thought occurs to us.

Most of us have learned to judge events as either good or bad and respond accordingly. This is the way our parents and the world have taught us how to deal with things. We are taught that we are supposed to feel bad, or angry, when certain things happen. Too often we make a judgment that things are bad and then respond from our negative emotions, instead of being able to calmly think about what happened before we choose how to respond. Emotional choices limit us to responses based on our past.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Today I treat all animals kindly.

Tuesday: Today I give thanks for the children of the world.

Wednesday: Today I hold peaceful loving thoughts for the world's leaders.

Thursday: Today I take time to sit and be peaceful.

Friday: Today I give life the light touch.

Saturday: Today I take time to enjoy and appreciate my family.

Sunday: Today I re-label my "mistakes" as lessons.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of A Peaceful New World and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

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