Dove with Branch
July 06, 2009 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk
Welcome!

This weekly newsletter is available free by subscription. All copies for the year are available on my website.

 

Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, Before my mother passed away gave me many of her personal belongings with written instructions on what she wanted me to do with them after she died. She included the request that I not inform anyone about this until after she died. When she passed away and I informed everyone s few were very upset. They were not only upset with her but were upset with me for not informing them. Some will no longer talk to me. Do you think obeying her request was proper in this circumstance? - Edith in MO

Dear Edith, Yes of course I think you did the right thing! Your mother has the right to choose in these things and it is appropriate for you to respect her wishes. The reason your relatives are upset is because of their own personal problems of not being able to respect your mother. Stay loving, do not let this upset you and go on with your life knowing you did exactly what your mother wanted and that is what mattered. - the Dean

Dear Dean, I have taken a job on the graveyard shift in a large manufacturing company.. I found that I have not been able to adjust to sleeping during the day. I would like to work day shift so that I would be more effective on the job but am afraid to ask. What do you suggest? - Harold in IL

Dear Harold, I suggest you first consider your options and choose the one that you believe will be the most effective in the long run. Unless you can change your habit to get enough sleep then asking to work a different shift seems like an attractive option. Since that is available at your present workplace, it would seem that asking to change is an option that would most likely be attractive to both you and your employer. They would benefit from a more energetic worker on the job and would likely accommodate you. Just be sure that you ask in a positive way so that they will see value both in you and your request. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

There are three kinds of relationships. The first is the I and others relationships where we look at others as different and separate from us. It is the "us against the world" relationship. Many of us spend most of our time in this kind of relationships. When we do life seems like a struggle. If we are not battling to get to the top of the heap, we are using all of our energy to survive. Unless we are one of the few winners, this kind of relationship is not very enjoyable to us. It often makes life seem empty, even for the winners.

The second kind of relationship is the "I - You" relationship. In this relationship we begin to care about others as well as ourselves. We become concerned for the wellbeing of others, especially those we have chosen as friends. These relationships are very enriching in our life, except when we enter into them with someone who is looking at it as an "I and others relationship". An example is the partner who refuses to go to counseling when differences cannot be resolved satisfactorily.

The third kind of relationship is the "We" relationship where the relationship becomes the entity and we become the participants in it. We are in this together. The goal we are working for is a successful relationship. Instead of the object being a way to make me happy, it becomes a way to make "We" happy. These are the most rewarding kind of relationships. When most of our relationships become this way we will find personal peace and create peace in our society.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

Anger exposes our weaknesses. It causes us to lose control and to act in dogmatic ways. We make foolish decisions, we waste time and energy, and we may become obsessed with our self and the people we are angry with. We antagonize the people we love, and we lose friends. We do crazy, destructive, sometimes illegal things. We have stress, high blood pressure, intestinal problems, heart problems, and other physical discomforts.

We have all heard of the placebo effect. It is sometimes referred to as wellness thinking. Because we believe something is going to cure us it does. It is such a strong effect that all research on medicines is done without letting the patient know whether he is taking the real medicine or just a sugar pill. The opposite also applies. When we think we are going to get sick we most generally do. If we want to be happy and well it is extremely important to believe that we are. A recent study of the immune system shows that constant negative emotions cause certain cells in the immune system not to reproduce thus weakening the immune system and shortening an angry person's life by an average of eleven years.

Take a few moments and think about what fear and anger are costing you. Think of the friends and opportunities you have lost because of them. Think of some of the things you wanted to do that they have held you back from doing. Think of some of the things that you have not gotten because of your negative emotions - or those of others. Is the price of anger too high for you?

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Think about how you get upset when others act in ways that you believe they should not.

Tuesday: Think about things that upset you but do not upset other people.

Wednesday: Think about things that upset other people but do not upset you.

Thursday: Think about how you use anger to control the actions of other people.

Friday: Think about ways to control the actions of other people without being angry.

Saturday: Think about allowing other people to act as they choose when it does not affect you personally.

Sunday: Resolve to accept the rules of other cultures as appropriate for them.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of A Peaceful New World and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I will be conducting workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops will provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

I have taken on the task of supporting the teaching of emotional skills training in the educational system with the trust and hope, that many in your community will be able to share in the vision of this great work, and join us in this amazing project. We are promoting a "Sponsor a School" program to raise awareness and support throughout the U.S. & Canada If you have any interest in the program and/or having a workshop in your area contact me for additional information.

If you are a charitable or religious organization and would like to reprint any of my articles please contact me for permission, which will be cheerfully granted.

If you know someone who might be interested in using any, or all of my regular newspaper columns please pass this information on to them. Or send me their e-mail address, or telephone number, and I will be happy to send them the information.

Past issues of this newsletter are archived on my website.

Remember if you want the free e-book and phone seminars you must subscribe to this newsletter at the website.

I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

Contact Information

email: drdean@lifewithoutanger.com
phone: 800-359-6015 fax:541-935-9361
web: lifewithoutanger.com

If you wish to no longer receive this newsletter please send a reply which includes "unsubscribe" and the existing subject line in the reply.

The subject line and the address to which it was sent must be included.