Dove with Branch
July 20, 2009 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk
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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, I am a senior in high school. I want to study and travel in France before I start college next year but my parents say that they will not give me the money to go. They let my brother go to Hawaii two years ago when he graduated. How can I get them to be fair with me? - Leah in AZ

Dear Leah, Without being angry or upset find out why they don't want to let you go to France for the summer. Explain pleasantly why you think it would be valuable for you to go. Respect their answer. Your parents are your teachers and guardians for now. They are responsible for your care and education. You should respect their choices. Very soon you will be making your own decisions. Try to learn and understand why they make the decisions they do. As harsh as it seems, you are not entitled to fairness. - the Dean

Dear Dean, My friends at school are able to wear the latest fashions. My parents will not let me wear them because they say that they are too revealing. If I don't wear the latest fashions I won't be accepted by my friends. How can I get my parents to buy the clothes I need? They are important to me. - Merri in IL

Dear Merri, Tell your parents why you want the new clothes and what it feels like to you not having them - and then accept their answer. Your parents are teaching you a certain way of life that they believe is important. Respect their wishes and learn from the lessons they are teaching. It will help you to make better decisions when you are on your own. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

Contrary to all of the strife we have in the world, I get the feeling that peace is breaking out all over. I feel this way because of all the e-mail I am receiving from people telling me about their own personal peace projects and what other groups are doing; stories about churches and universities that are establishing peace centers. The common thread that runs through all of these is that they are positive centers for peace and are not established as resistance movements.

It looks as if we are really beginning to learn the lesson that we do not establish peace by fighting wars. Fighting against war is not peace. It is just another kind of war. We think that to fight for peace is justified because of the purpose, but it is still war! It is impossible to be peaceful when we are fighting for anything. If we are going to have peace the first thing we must learn is to stop fighting, even for good stuff like peace. The very fight itself produces a lack of peace.

When we have learned to be at peace with ourselves and those around us then we will be able to create peace in the world. As long as there is power in the belief we can impose our way on others or solve our differences through force we cannot be peaceful. The more of us who achieved this, the more peace we will have. Learn peace - teach peace - and we will have peace.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

Our expectations can often get in the way of intimacy - especially when we are not forthcoming with our mate, or when expectations clash. We need to let our mate know what our expectations are, find out what their expectations are, and then come to some agreement about them. Preferably, we should do this before we enter into any permanent or long-term relationship.

Your mate's expectations will always be different than yours. To assume otherwise will only get you into trouble. Too often we expect that our relationship will or should resemble how things were in our own family, or how "most couples" relate to each other in this society. We then become partners with someone expecting that they will think and act that way. But we have no right to expect that our prospective partner live up to our expectations, unless they agree to. Just because they have agreed to enter into a relationship with you does not mean that they have agreed to do the cooking or the car repairs, or anything else that you may consider customary and expect from them.

Anything you consider important in your relationship should be discussed and agreed to ahead of time by both of you. When new things come up as your relationship progresses, they should be worked out mutually. You have no right to be upset just because your mate doesn't want to do things your way. Their ideas of what they expect and what they are willing to contribute are just as important as yours are. Expecting them to conform to your notion of how a partner should be, when they haven't agreed to those expectations, and becoming angry when they don't live up to them, is unfair and unreasonable.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Think about what your expectations are for you mate, or your prospective mate.

Tuesday: Determine what your mate's or prospective mate's expectations for you are.

Wednesday: Think about the expectations your mate has, or is likely to have, that are different than your own.

Thursday: Determine what possible resolutions of your disagreements that your mate finds most attractive.

Friday: Think about the possible ways you will be able to meet each other's expectations.

Saturday: Resolve that any time you and your mate disagree that you will work together to find a solution that is satisfactory for both of you.

Sunday: When you feel upset with your mate remember what first attracted you to about them.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of A Peaceful New World and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I will be conducting workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops will provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

I have taken on the task of supporting the teaching of emotional skills training in the educational system with the trust and hope, that many in your community will be able to share in the vision of this great work, and join us in this amazing project. We are promoting a "Sponsor a School" program to raise awareness and support throughout the U.S. & Canada If you have any interest in the program and/or having a workshop in your area. Contact me for additional information.

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