Dove with Branch
February 22, 2010 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk
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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, My boyfriend is often inconsiderate of my feelings. He is often late but he gets upset when I am late. He will make fun of the way I dress and the way I wear my hair in front of others, and he knows I am uncomfortable with that. How can I make him change? - Tanya in CA

Dear Tanya, You can't; unless he wants to. You have to make it clear to him what things he does that are not good for you. If he is interested in learning to do things differently and wants to change then be patient and work with him. Have some patience with him if he is trying. Old habits are sometimes hard to break. You can always just accept his bad manners, but that comes at a high price to a loving relationship. If you don't totally accept the way he is it will be a constant source of stress that will make the relationship less than acceptable to you. - the Dean

Dear Dean, I have a boss who is demanding and abrasive and he has piled so much work on me that I am no longer able to carry on a civil conversation with him. - Jarrett in MI

Dear Jarrett, This is a complex question and you must look at many aspects to determine your answer. But let's look at some of the things you need to consider given what you have said. The fact that you can't talk to your boss is your problem not his. If you are going to keep this job you must learn how to stay in a positive relationship with your boss. It will be helpful if you can find ways to get him to change in ways that will make the relationship better for you, but don't count on it. Meeting his needs as best you can in a positive manner will usually go a long way. Not talking to him is not positive and usually adds to the problem by creating negative feelings and a lack of the information you need to do your work as well as dampening your enthusiasm to do it. Start by looking for the reasons you feel fearful or angry about the relationship. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

We often think about and debate the concept of biological evolution. A concept that seems even more evident and easier to accept is that of social evolution. There are those who feel that our society is condemned to repeat its mistakes and may even destroy itself. It is possible that we may have huge setbacks because of unfortunate mistakes. However the evidence is clear that we are making great progress in our ability to interact, communicate and live together.

Review the progress we have made in education and communication skills and you will marvel at the great progress we have made. The advances in our educational system have transformed our society in many more ways than just the advance of technology. Our increased understanding has allowed us to solve many of our social problems. Advances in the field of human rights have been amazing in recent history. Once we realized that our well-being was affected by the well-being of all others it became possible to create a social order that was more joyful and peaceful.

Perhaps the next great step will be to reduce war from a tool of diplomacy to one of last resort for our preservation. When we do that then war will result only when we lack the imagination to solve our problems. Eventually we will possess sufficient imagination in solving our social problems that war will disappear completely. We humans will always choose in our own self- interest. As soon as we realize that our self-interest includes positive relationships with other people we will learn to make more effective choices.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

Realize that what you are thinking may be hurting you. Choose to replace your negative thoughts with loving positive thoughts. People want to be loved. If you hold back your anger and give them love instead they will respond in a positive way.

When others are positive, it is easier for you to be positive. Ask yourself, "If I was feeling love, what would I do now?" Realize that the other person is not intentionally trying to hurt you. They are just doing the best they can. Do not blame other people for not playing by the rules. They are playing by the rules, "their rules." They are living their life, not yours. We all have some rules of our society that we do not accept. Others are entitled to reject different ones than you do. < p align="justify">

Remember that you have no right to control other people. The fact that they have done something you think is wrong gives you no right to control them or try to change them, unless of course you are a policeman. Remind yourself of this when you are upset at how others are acting. Once you tell yourself, "I do not control what other people do," it is easier to free yourself from the anger that results when others are not doing things the way you feel they should be done.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Make a list of the things that upset you the most about your family.

Tuesday: Think of a new positive way of feeling about each item on your list.

Wednesday: Think of the things that upset you the most about your work.

Thursday: Think of a new positive way of feeling about each item on your list.

Friday: Make a list of the things that upset you the most about your government.

Saturday: Think of a new positive way of feeling about each item on your list.

Sunday: Resolve to develop new positive responses for anything you find upsetting in your life.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of A Peaceful New World and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I will be conducting workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops will provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

I have taken on the task of supporting the teaching of emotional skills training in the educational system with the trust and hope, that many in your community will be able to share in the vision of this great work, and join us in this amazing project. We are promoting a "Sponsor a School" program to raise awareness and support throughout the U.S. & Canada If you have any interest in the program and/or having a workshop in your area. Contact me for additional information.

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Past issues of this newsletter are archived on my website.

I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

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