Dove with Branch
April 19, 2010 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk
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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, My parents are always helping my sister. They never seem to be interested in my problems even though she has many and I have few. They always go to her children's birthday parties but frequently don't make it to my children's birthday parties. Why should I be treated as if I was a lesser person than my sister? - Cora in CO

Dear Cora, The right to receive as much support from your parents as your sister does is only in your own mind. Perhaps your parents feel you can make it on your own, but that your sister can't. They feel a different obligation than the one you think they should have. They have given you the gift of making you a responsible person. You have already received more from them than your brother ever will. Be thankful they have provided well for you. - the Dean

Dear Dean, I have an associate at work that is always trying to take credit for my work. We work on projects together then she presents them as her ideas. What can I do to protect myself from her taking all the credit and getting the recognition and promotions? - Harry in AR

Dear Harry, Do your work as well, and as cheerfully as you can. Your associate is playing a dangerous game. Most likely she will pay the price one day. However it is not your job to see that she does. Do your best always. Most likely your supervisor knows what is going on, and the more gracious you are the better the result will be for you. Success includes much more than money and position. Stay free of her game, and trust that being positive is the only way to be successful. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

Failure always gives us the opportunity to try something else. One of the greatest challenges is to learn to accept not achieving our goal. We can learn to look at such disappointments as a signal to re-evaluate our goals and the methods of getting there. We can even look at it as an opportunity to pursue different goals.

Our perceptions are not facts. They are mirrors of our thoughts in that we choose what to focus on, and our belief system determines how we interpret the information. We get different interpretations because we have different beliefs. To change our interpretations we must change our beliefs.

The important thing to remember is that how we perceive a conversation with a loved one, the behavior of others, or our own personal performance depends on our unique frame of reference. If your perception produces a warm feeling great! But if it is upsetting, it is time to stop and review your perceptions to try to determine why you are upset. If you want your perceptions to deliver different results, you must make some changes. Learn to accept feeling upset as a signal that you are in need of a "perception adjustment."

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

When parenting without anger you still need to discipline your children. You can, however, discipline them with love instead of anger. Children need to learn boundaries. They must learn the rules of our society. Teach them these things with love. Permissiveness is not love. And assertiveness is not anger. Model love for them, and they will see the value in not being fearful or angry. Remember, your child needs values, your time, and love; not things. Worthwhile values are imparted when you parent with love. The reward for this style of parenting is a happy and independent child with whom you will have a loving relationship for the rest of your life. Always, always, remember to treat your children with love.

Never accept anger from your child as appropriate behavior. Children learn to use anger when it is effective for them. They will keep using it as long as it works. Part of our job, as a parent is to not allow anger to be effective for our children. It is our job to show them a more effective way to deal with their problems. Whenever your child is angry, lovingly demonstrate to him or her that it is not appropriate behavior. Teach your child to find a more effective way of dealing with problems. As soon as your child is old enough to communicate verbally, teach them about expressing and dealing with their feelings. < p align="justify">

Our children learn fear when we teach them that the world is a dangerous place, and that they must be fearful of dangerous things in order to protect themselves. Learn to teach them that this is a wonderful world in which good things happen when we are trusting and alert. Teach them to pay attention to provide for their well being, knowing that doing the best they can, will be enough.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Think about how much you love your children.

Tuesday: Ask yourself if you are the best parent you can be.

Wednesday: Think about the times you get angry with your children. Ask yourself why you do that.

Thursday: Think about how you are the teacher for your child and how they learn their lessons from you.

Friday: Think about what your child can become if you teach him love and responsibility instead of fear and anger.

Saturday: Think about how you should respond when your child makes a mistake or becomes angry.

Sunday: Resolve to always teach and model love and responsibility to your child.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of A Peaceful New World and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I will be conducting workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops will provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

I have taken on the task of supporting the teaching of emotional skills training in the educational system with the trust and hope, that many in your community will be able to share in the vision of this great work, and join us in this amazing project. We are promoting a "Sponsor a School" program to raise awareness and support throughout the U.S. & Canada If you have any interest in the program and/or having a workshop in your area. Contact me for additional information.

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Past issues of this newsletter are archived on my website.

I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

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