Dove with Branch
August 30, 2010 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk
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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, I work in San Francisco but I live in Petaluma. The really enjoy my work, but the commute is miserable. Sometimes it takes over two hours to get home from work. My family is suffering because I arrive home late and in a bad mood. Do you have any suggestions? - Jerry CA

Dear Jerry, The basic rule in dealing with life's problems is - accept it, change it, leave it, accept it, or experience misery. You have gone directly to the last step. Go back to the second step and look for solutions such as moving, changing your or your family's hours, or working at home. If that doesn't solve your problem then consider finding another employer or work that will fulfill your needs. If that doesn't work find a way to accept the commute. Perhaps you can find some way to enjoy this period such as listening to educational or music CDs, taking a course, or writing a book. For the well being of both you and your family find a way to avoid the misery. - the Dean

Dear Dean, When I was young my stepfather sexually abused me for years. This was never dealt with or reported to authorities and my mother still lives with him. The problem is that I am still greatly disturbed by this and it is messing up my life. I have no money for counseling. What do you suggest? - Sybil in OK

Dear Sybil, You can afford counseling because there are places where you can find free counseling. Check with your church, city or county offices or simply look in the newspaper or phone book for what support services are available in your area. As long as you are unable to forgive and feel victimized by the event you will not be able to enjoy a happy present life. What happened is in the past, and you live in the present. It is not necessary to allow the past to mess up the present. You will be able to stop suffering as soon as you learn how. It is time to learn that you are no longer damaged. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

We are a compassionate people and when families were no longer able or willing to take care of their non-productive members we created a welfare system to provide for them. This cared for the needy, but it also created a problem in that people would become needy just because it was more attractive to rely on the help of the state than it was to provide for themself.

About ten years ago we made a general shift in our policy on welfare. We said that welfare was temporary. That people needed to find work; and that we would help them, including training, if necessary. We found many with emotional and/or physical problems and many with lack of educational or job training skills.

Now many are saying the program is failing because so many are just not capable of work. The answer, I believe, is to deal with the underlying problems and prepare them for work. Educational shortcomings can be remedied. We are doing that, but we need to do more. Emotional and addiction problems can be repaired. When we just give up and provide for their subsistence we are just continuing to let them suffer needlessly. If we truly care about others we will put more effort into increasing their quality of life and not be content to just give them enough to be able to survive.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

Unfortunately, we often relate to each other as if we are to be constantly judged. We think it is important to decide who is wrong and who is right. We think we need to be right. And if we are wrong, then we think we should suffer and be punished somehow. If there is guilt, then we think there must be blame. We try to control someone else's behavior by placing blame upon them. Most of the time, we don't even realize that we are doing this. But if we are practicing guilt and blame, we see the other person as threatening us, so we attack them.

Because of their insecurities many people can be controlled by the power you create by placing blame. You may gain control, but do not expect a positive relationship to result unless you can actually find someone who enjoys other people having the power. Positive people do not place blame. They don't blame circumstances, they don't blame other people, and they don't blame themselves.

Blaming always leaves us with resentment and other negative feelings. Only by not placing blame can we be in control of our own fate. Unfortunately our legal system has adopted the concept of negligence, which is simply placing blame for mistakes. We buy into this concept of blaming others for all of the bad things that happen to us. We have learned to believe we should be compensated any time a bad thing happens to us because that is our society's way of thinking. When we do this we inadvertently accept victim-hood and incorporate it into our belief system.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: I realize that my life is not controlled by what other people think of me.

Tuesday: If I make an honest mistake I do not feel shame.

Wednesday: I do not need to control what other people do.

Thursday: I do not blame others for their honest mistakes.

Friday: I do not try to control others by making them ashamed.

Saturday: Others are not obligated to me simply because they made an honest mistake .

Sunday: I give up the need to always be right.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I will be conducting workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops will provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

I have taken on the task of supporting the teaching of emotional skills training in the educational system with the trust and hope, that many in your community will be able to share in the vision of this great work, and join us in this amazing project. We are promoting a "Sponsor a School" program to raise awareness and support throughout the U.S. & Canada If you have any interest in the program and/or having a workshop in your area. Contact me for additional information.

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If you know someone who might be interested in using any, or all of my regular newspaper columns please pass this information on to them. Or send me their e-mail address, or telephone number, and I will be happy to send them the information.

Past issues of this newsletter are archived on my website.

I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

Contact Information

phone: 800-359-6015 fax:541-935-9361
web: lifewithoutanger.com
 


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