Dove with Branch
November 15, 2010 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk
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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, My daughter disobeys and refuses to follow my rules I set down for her. I sometimes get so upset at her that I scream at her, and have even slapped her on a few occasions. I am ashamed of myself. How can I stop this behavior? - Barbara in MD

Dear Barbara, You and your daughter have both learned strategies of responding that are not effective, and self-defeating. It seems impossible to stop because they have become an automatic response pattern that happens whenever you are "provoked." Just like when you buy a new car with different controls or get a new computer operating system you can learn a new response pattern. This is a serious problem. If you can't do it on your own or with the help of my book I suggest you seek counseling. - the Dean

Dear Dean, My sister and I have fought for years. We are very different and find it hard to see the other's point of view. We are middle aged. It is difficult to even talk to each other. I feel it is time we get over this and find a way to get along. How can I go about this? - Reggie in CA

Dear Reggie, You can start by accepting her as perfect just the way she is. Learn to think that it is okay that she has different beliefs and goals in life than you do. The next thing is to tell her that you have come to understand and are truly sorry for the way you have acted toward her. Next find time to show her that you care by visiting and being friendly whenever the opportunity arises. Do not beg forgiveness or push for togetherness. It will happen when she realizes that things have truly changed. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

We listen to the news of what is going on in the world. We read the newspaper and get more of the same. We study history and see that this "man's inhumanity to man" has been going on forever, and it continues today. It is easy to draw the conclusion that this is our destiny. History will continue to repeat itself. That this is the human condition is an easy conclusion to draw.

If we look closely however, we see many reasons for hope. We have the desire to change. We have the capacity to learn. We have learned many lessons from our past mistakes. We now have more democratic governments than we did before. We still have too many wars, but they are more about freedom and less about conquest. Almost everyone is becoming educated to some level. We are learning how to make better choices for ourselves. We are learning to produce a higher quality of life for most people.

As more of us recognize the value of love, we move from that place of personal greed to caring for others. We do this because we realize it makes our own life better. We still act in our own self-interest. It is however an enlightened self-interest recognizing that ultimately we cannot be happy by harming others; and that this is an abundant world with plenty for all, when we learn to share. Perhaps the most important lesson is that sharing is good because it produces abundance and it produces love.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

We tend to make ourselves the victims of our own thinking. We grow up expecting certain things out of life, and when they don't happen we feel cheated. When something bad happens we tend to say, "What did I ever do to deserve this?" We find it difficult to accept what happened, because we are tied up in our own expectations and attachments.

We put ourselves in the victim role whenever we deny that the feeling of being a victim actually originates in our own mind. If you find yourself thinking in terms of "How can I possibly cope with this situation?" You are admitting that you are a victim. Thinking about how you can just get by is victim thinking.

Instead we need to think in terms of, "I am in control here," "I am the boss of my life." Until you take over control of your life in every way, you are making yourself a victim. Taking control means that you are the one who makes the choices about your own life, based on your independent needs and thinking.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: I think about the things in my life that I feel are out of my control.

Tuesday: I think about why things are out of control.

Wednesday: I think about the beliefs I have, that allow things to be out of control.

Thursday: I think about new choices I can make to take control of my life.

Friday: I think about new choices I can make to take control of my life.

Saturday: Today I think about the decisions I must make, in order to take control of my life. .

Sunday: I resolve that I am the boss of my life.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I will be conducting workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops will provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

I have taken on the task of supporting the teaching of emotional skills training in the educational system with the trust and hope, that many in your community will be able to share in the vision of this great work, and join us in this amazing project. We are promoting a "Sponsor a School" program to raise awareness and support throughout the U.S. & Canada If you have any interest in the program and/or having a workshop in your area. Contact me for additional information.

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Past issues of this newsletter are archived on my website.

I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

Contact Information

phone: 800-359-6015 fax:541-935-9361
web: lifewithoutanger.com

 

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