Dove with Branch
February 14, 2011 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk
Welcome!

Happy Birthday to me amd Love to you all!

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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, I keep and enjoy displaying keepsakes from the past. My husband is concerned that some were gifts given to me by old boyfriends. He feels that it is inappropriate for me to even keep them. I don't have any attachment to the boy friends and wouldn't even think of them unless he mentioned it. I do like the gifts and don't want to throw them away. Should I do it anyway just to keep the peace? - Jorrell in CA

Dear Jorrell, The real problem seems to be your husband's jealousy. He should be working on getting over his jealousy. A successful marriage depends on trust. If he is willing to work on the problem you could help him out by giving away, or at least putting away the relevant gifts. Perhaps a compromise, such as putting away the gifts might be helpful if he agrees to work on his problem in return. Neither of you are perfect. Helping each other to get better is the basis of a good relationship. Perhaps there will be a time when you can again display them with his blessing. - the Dean

Dear Dean, We have been married for seven years. Every holiday my wife insists that we have dinner with her parents. I would be happy if we take turns but she says she doesn't enjoy dinner with my family. I enjoy my family and miss being with them. How can I get her to have holiday dinners with my family half of the time? - Alex in CO

Dear Alex, She may not be willing to go to your family but that shouldn't stop you from going. If you feel strongly that you should share the family dinners and she refuses you can go alone when it is your parent's turn. If you give in to her demands for the sake of the marriage then you may not have the kind of relationship you desire. If you want a relationship that is equal and she wants to be boss then something needs to change. Try to work with her to find an answer. Just letting her always decide what the two of you do is not good unless you want it that way, and obviously you don't. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

We say we are a free society but what do we mean by that? When someone is curious about our age, for instance, do we give them the emotional freedom to ask; or are we upset by their question? I believe freedom should include giving people the right to be the way they want to be without emotionally attacking them or resisting them, just because you don't like what they are doing.

People who are raised in different cultures have different values. Since we are a multi-cultural society we have a lot of different and sometimes conflicting values in our common society. Instead of embracing and respecting those values that are different than our own, we often judge them. We sometimes go so far as to try to eliminate the way others do things just because we don't think they are appropriate.

If we are going to honor freedom then let's give up the idea of creating a "cookie cutter" society and embrace the differences. If you are uncomfortable with the values of others, consider honoring and accepting them instead of resisting and trying to change them. Freedom includes embracing the rights of others to be how they want to be. We have come a long way. Women have the right to vote. We all get to eat in the same restaurant. Let's give up the idea of trying to make others do something just because we think it is the way things should be done. We can only enjoy life when we allow all others the opportunity to enjoy life as well!

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

Our expectations can often get in the way of intimacy - especially when we're not forthcoming with our mate or when expectations clash. We need to let our mate know what our expectations are, find what their expectations are, and then come to some agreement about them. Preferably, we should do this before we enter into any permanent or long-term relationship.

Your mate's expectations will always be different than your own. To assume otherwise will only get you into trouble. Too often, we expect that our relationship will or should resemble how things were in our family or how "most couples" relate to each other in this society. We then become partners with someone expecting that they will think and act that way. But we have no right to expect that our perspective partner live up to our expectations, unless they agree to.

Anything you consider important in your relationship should be agreed to ahead of time by both of you. When things come up as your relationship progresses, they should be worked out mutually. We have no right to be angry just because our mate doesn't want to do things our way. Their idea of what is important and what they should contribute are just as important as ours are. Expecting them to conform to our notion of how a partner should be, when they haven't agreed to those expectations, and becoming angry when they don't live up to them, is unfair and unreasonable.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Think about how you want your relationship with your partner to be.

Tuesday: Think about the expectations you have for a relationship that are different from a typical relationship.

Wednesday: Think about the things you would like your partner to contribute to the relationship.

Thursday: Think about the things you are willing to contribute to the relationship.

Friday: Think about the differences you may have with your mate, or any prospective mate.

Saturday: Think about how you can work together to resolve differences.

Sunday: Picture yourself living in a perfect relationship with a loving mate.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I will be conducting workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops will provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

I have taken on the task of supporting the teaching of emotional skills training in the educational system with the trust and hope, that many in your community will be able to share in the vision of this great work, and join us in this amazing project. We are promoting a "Sponsor a School" program to raise awareness and support throughout the U.S. & Canada If you have any interest in the program and/or having a workshop in your area. Contact me for additional information.

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Past issues of this newsletter are archived on my website.

I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

Contact Information

phone: 800-359-6015 fax:541-935-9361
web: lifewithoutanger.com

 

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