Dove with Branch
June 13, 2011 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk
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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, I have a stressful job and a long difficult commute. When I get home I am tired and stressed out. My family wants my attention but I am in need of some quiet time. They seem to forget that my job is essential if they are going to have all the things that they want in life. How can I get them to respect my need for quiet time when I get home? - Sean in WA

Dear Sean, You explain your need to them in such a way that they will be able understand and respect it. They will wait another 30 minutes if they know you will be giving them your attention. I suggest before you do that you look at other aspects of this. The stress and tiredness from your job are self-induced, and for your own sake you would do well to change that. Being stressed means you haven't learned how to make effective emotional choices. When you are stressed you model stress and upset for your children. Maybe you will find getting rid of the stress more helpful. - the Dean

Dear Dean, My husband works in a dead-end job with not enough pay to provide an adequate standard of living. I am driving a ten year old car to take my kids to activities. My kids don't have the money to hang out at the mall with their friends. It is embarrassing! I tell him to get a promotion or find another job, but he is happy where he is. He says he wants to be able to enjoy the children as they grow up and this job allows him to do that. How can I motivate him to find a better job? - Holly in IL

Dear Holly, Threaten to leave him? But I wouldn't recommend that. Try considering yourself lucky to have a husband who loves his family. Try reassessing your values. You have enough to satisfy everything but your ego. If you can't find a way to be happy with what your husband is providing then find work that will provide the extra self-esteem that you need. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

Periodically I write about how we should make our political and social decisions with a consideration of all points of view. In our government we have a two party system with majority party rule. When the parties are more evenly divided; or in a spirit of cooperation, we talk about using a bipartisanship approach. The bipartisanship approach however considers only the views of the two parties. I believe we should develop the transpartisanship approach to government. Transpartisanship recognizes the existence and validity of many points of view. It advocates a constructive dialogue aimed at considering all points of view and arriving at solutions that meet the needs of everyone.

Transpartisianship is being increasingly employed by companies, universities, non-profit, and citizen groups for finding resolution to problems. If we are going to be an inclusive society that lives together in peace, we would benefit greatly if we would employ this concept at all levels of government. We can benefit from this concept in politics, culture, economics and other aspects of our society as well.

We can learn to share all viewpoints openly and honestly. Disagreements over issues need not undermine consensus if all parties are willing to search for an answer that accommodates all points of view. We will be able to find previously unanticipated solutions that can satisfy everyone.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

As we grow, we are taught certain ideas of how the world is by our society and by those around us - our parents, our teachers, and our friends. We take all of this in and form our own special idea of how the world is. We then form expectations of how things should happen in order to fit with our own special idea of how the world is. When things don't happen that way, when reality doesn't match our idea of what we think should happen we get angry.

We need to realize that our idea of how the world is, is only our ideal world, as we see it, and not the real world at all. If what is happening in the world doesn't conform to your idea of what should be happening, then take it as a clue that your ideal world does not actually match the real world. If you could accept the idea that what is actually happening in the real world is appropriate, then you would have nothing to be angry about. .

The ideal world file that we have in our brain just doesn't match the real world. In order to eliminate anger, we need to create a relationship between our ideal world file and the real world file itself so that they are not in actual conflict.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Think about how you would like the world to be.

Tuesday: Think about how the world actually is at this time.

Wednesday: Accept the world for what it is now.

Thursday: Think about the things in the world that you would like to be different.

Friday: Select the things in the world that you want to become active in changing.

Saturday: Accept all of the things in the world that you don't want to actively change at this time.

Sunday: Think of ways you can work to create change.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I will be conducting workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops will provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

I have taken on the task of supporting the teaching of emotional skills training in the educational system with the trust and hope, that many in your community will be able to share in the vision of this great work, and join us in this amazing project. We are promoting a "Sponsor a School" program to raise awareness and support throughout the U.S. & Canada If you have any interest in the program and/or having a workshop in your area. Contact me for additional information.

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I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

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phone: 800-359-6015 fax:541-935-9361
web: lifewithoutanger.com

 

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