Dove with Branch
August 27, 2012 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk
Dear Peacemaker,
 
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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, My work situation is very stressful, and I have a difficult commute. My family wants my attention as soon as I get home, but I am in need of some quiet time. My job is essential if they are going to have all the things that they want. How can I get them to respect my need for quiet time when I get home in the evening? - Bruce in CA

Dear Bruce, You explain your need to them in such a way that they will be able to understand and respect it. They will wait; if they understand why and it produces a happy father. I suggest before you do that you look at other aspects of this. Realize that the stress from your job is self-induced. For your own sake you would do well to change that. When you are stressed you model stress and upset for your children. Maybe you will find releasing the stress more helpful, and time with the family more valuable, than living a stressful life. - the Dean

Dear Dean, My husband works in a dead end job that doesn't pay enough to meet our needs. I am driving a twelve year old car to take my kids to activities. They don't have enough clothes. They don't have the money to eat out with their friends. It is embarrassing! I urge him to get a promotion or find another job, but he is happy where he is. He says he wants to be able to enjoy the children as they grow up, and this job allows him to do that. How can I motivate him to find a better job? - Wanda in TX

Dear Wanda, You could threaten to leave him, but that is guaranteed to produce poor results. Try considering yourself lucky to have a husband who loves his family. Try reassessing your values. You have enough to satisfy everything but your ego. If you can't find a way to be happy with what your husband is providing then find work of your own that will provide the extra self-esteem that you need. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

Most of us believe it is important to be right. We think it is bad to make mistakes and we don't want to be bad so we refuse to think that we might be making a mistake. When we think someone else is making a mistake we think it is important to correct them. Some of us even like the feeling of superiority we get when we are right and the other person is wrong. After all, in this society those who know all the answers have all the power.

When we do this we devalue the importance of relationships. Isn't a loving relationship more important than the accuracy of facts? If your partner tells someone you went out to dinner last Saturday is it important for you to correct her because it was actually Friday? Most people have learned to feel disturbed when someone corrects them. Why do we want to create this tension when it serves no purpose other than our need to be right?

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Do you want others around you to be happy? Ask yourself if there is some need other than your need to be right before you correct someone and you will avoid a lot of unnecessary conflict in your relationship with them. This applies especially to your mate. Let them be wrong unless doing so creates some kind of real problem. When you do have to make corrections always be loving about it. People who give love enjoy life much more than those who are perfect. People who get love from you will enjoy you much more than those you have shown the error of their statement.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

It is within the power of each of us to have a life in which we always choose to respond from our positive emotions and no longer experience the negative ones. Not having anger is such a freeing feeling. You never have to go to bed at night trying to figure out how to get even. You no longer have to judge how other people are acting. You just accept the world as it is presented to you. You spend your time thinking about the best way to make it work for you. You are able to focus on making decisions that allow you to fully enjoy life. And you do fully enjoy life.

Just knowing that a life free of fear and anger is available to you once you make the choice to enjoy it; will make you feel better immediately. Choose to take control of your own life. Don't leave it in the hands of anyone who happens to annoy you. Although opportunities to be angry will be offered to you at every turn, you always have the option of refusing to accept them. When you realize that it is your own thinking that has to change, and not other people's behavior, you become capable of making the choice to take control of your anger and your life.

The management of our emotions is subject to the laws of learning, as is everything else we do. Once we learn that a more desirable way to deal with our emotions is available, and we see the value in developing more effective thinking, we are motivated to make the change. Once we learn how to make the change, it is just a matter of doing the work.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: I realize that it is my own thinking that upsets me.

Tuesday: I realize that if I change my thinking it is no longer necessary to be upset.

Wednesday: I recognize the value of not becoming upset when things happen.

Thursday: I recognize that I am capable of changing the way I think about things.

Friday: I see the value of no longer becoming upset by things.

Saturday: I choose to take control of my own feelings and not let then be controlled by the actions of others.

Sunday: I resolve that when I become upset I will learn new positive thoughts to replace the upsetting ones.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I conduct workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

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Past issues of this newsletter are archived on my website.

I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

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