Dove with Branch
September 03, 2012 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk
Dear Peacemaker,
 
       Welcome!

This weekly newsletter is available free by subscription. All copies are available on my website.

If you enjoy this newsletter and know someone who you think may enjoy it as well, please feel free to share it with them.

Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, I work in Seattle but I live in Olympia. I really enjoy my work, but the commute is miserable. Sometimes it takes over two hours to get home from work. My family is suffering because I arrive home late and in a bad mood. Do you have any suggestions? - Travis in WA

Dear Travis, The basic rule in dealing with life's problems is - accept it, change it, leave it, accept it, or experience misery. You have gone directly to the last step. Go back to the second step and look for solutions such as moving, changing your or your family's hours, or working at home. If that doesn't solve your problem then consider finding another employer or work that will fulfill your needs. If that doesn't work find a way to accept the commute. Perhaps you can find some way to enjoy this period such as listening to educational or music CDs, taking a course, or writing a book. For the well being of both you and your family find a way to avoid the misery. - the Dean

Dear Dean, My late husband smoked. While I never enjoyed it, I realized this was something he would have to deal with. I was elated when he quit. But when he started again, I simply asked him not to smoke in the house. He never did. He used the garage, the yard or the porch. I have the same agreement with hubby two. I don't nag him about his smoking, and he smokes in the garage, the yard or the porch. We have also agreed that he won't smoke in my vehicle or the motor home, but he can in his vehicles as long as the windows are down. Because I was not trying to take away smoking, it was easy to arrive at a compromise. It is not great, but it does allow each of us to have part of our own say in the matter. And since I am not nagging him about quitting, my husband has, on his accord, decided to cut down on how much he smokes. It is a positive step in the right direction. - Claire in NM

Dear Claire, Thanks for your comments. They are thoughtful and helpful as always! - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

There are three kinds of relationships. The first is the "I and others" relationship where we look at others as different and separate from us. It is the "us against the world" relationship. Many of us spend most of our time in this kind of relationships. When we do life seems like a struggle. If we are not battling to get to the top of the heap, we are using all of our energy to survive. Unless we are one of the few winners, this kind of relationship is not very enjoyable to us. It often makes life seem empty, even for the winners.

The second kind of relationship is the "I - You" relationship. In this relationship we begin to care about others as well as ourselves. We become concerned for the wellbeing of others, especially those we have chosen as friends. These relationships are very enriching in our life, except when we enter into them with someone who is looking at it as an "I and others relationship". An example is the partner who refuses to go to counseling when differences cannot be resolved satisfactorily.

The third kind of relationship is the "We" relationship where the relationship becomes the entity and we become the participants in it. We are in this together. The goal we are working for is a successful relationship. Instead of the object being a way to make me happy, it becomes a way to make "We" happy. These are the most rewarding kind of relationships. When most of our relationships become this way we will find personal peace and create peace in our society.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

We tend to make ourselves the victims of our own thinking. We grow up expecting certain things out of life, and when they don't happen we feel cheated. When something bad happens we tend to say, "What did I ever do to deserve this?" We find it difficult to accept what happened, because we are tied up in our own expectations and attachments.

We put ourselves in the victim role whenever we deny that the feeling of being a victim actually originates in our own mind. If you find yourself thinking in terms of "How can I possibly cope with this situation?" You are admitting that you are a victim. Thinking about how you can just get by is victim thinking.

Instead we need to think in terms of, "I am in control here," "I am the boss of my life." Until you take over control of your life in every way, you are making yourself a victim. Taking control of your life means that you are the one who makes the choices about your own life based on your own independent needs and thinking.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: I think about the things in my life that I feel are out of my control.

Tuesday: I think about why things are out of control.

Wednesday: I think about the beliefs I have, that allow things to be out of control.

Thursday: I think about new choices I can make to take control of my life.

Friday: Today I take one thing in my life that has been out of control and bring it under control.

Saturday: Today I think about the decisions I must make, in order to take control of my life.

Sunday: I resolve that I am the boss of my life.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I conduct workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

If you are a charitable or religious organization and would like to reprint any of my articles please contact me for permission, which will be cheerfully granted.

If you know someone who might be interested in using any, or all of my regular newspaper columns please pass this information on to them. Or send me their e-mail address, or telephone number, and I will be happy to send them the information.

Past issues of this newsletter are archived on my website.

I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

Contact Information

phone: 800-359-6015 fax:541-935-9361
web: lifewithoutanger.com
Join our mailing list!

If you wish to no longer receive this newsletter please send a reply which includes "unsubscribe" and the existing subject line in the reply.

The subject line and the address to which it was sent must be included.