Dove with Branch
September 24, 2012 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk
Dear Peacemaker,
 
       Welcome!

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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, I provide for my children very well. They have all of the things their friends have. We always support them and attend their activities. Yet they lack appreciation for what we do. When they want something, they refuse to take no for an answer. They speak angrily and refuse to follow the rules. Why does this happen and how can we fix it? - Janice in MI

Dear Janice, You are your child's teacher. They have learned how they can and should act from the lessons that you have taught them. They act the way they do because that kind of behavior works for them. If you want them to be different you must teach them new lessons. It will be more difficult now because they must unlearn the old lessons. It is important for your children to learn to make choices that are in their own long term interest, rather than whatever works at the moment. They need to learn better strategies for dealing with life. And they need to learn them from you. - the Dean

Dear Dean, I am a third grade teacher. I have problems with children who refuse to keep quiet in class. I send them to the office for some discipline. When they return to class, they often continue to be disruptive. What do you suggest? - Barbara in CA

Dear Barbara, You are the teacher. It is your job to get the students to realize that it is more beneficial to not be disruptive. This is best accomplished with positive lessons such as being considerate to friends, and the value of the lessons they are missing. Punishment is not the most effective way to achieve positive results. Look for consequences that are not viewed as punishment such as positive class activities as rewards. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

Your neighbor's dog comes onto your lawn and leaves a deposit. You are upset and you don't want this to happen again. What do you do about it? Do you shout at your neighbor or throw it back on his lawn, or maybe both? This is a solution that may feel right at the time. But how effective will it be in solving the problem? What is the real problem in the first place? Isn't the real problem living peacefully with your neighbors?

When we get angry and retaliate, how effective are we in dealing with the bigger problem? Not very! But this is what we do all too often, in personal as well as international relations. We often don't even stop to examine the circumstances and find out exactly what happened, or why. Was it intentional, negligent, or unintended? We don't even know if our neighbor was aware of what happened. We immediately blame and dislike our neighbor regardless of the circumstances, even though our cat may be misusing their backyard.

Let's talk to our neighbor in a friendly way to bring attention to and resolve these kinds of problems. We will then find solutions that are compatible with the underlying problem of living together in peace.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

In dealing with others, the best rule is to start from a place of trust, realizing and accepting that you could be wrong. People tend to respond to you in the same way you act. You will receive far more trust if you offer trust. If you offer distrust; that is what you will usually get back.

In dealing with problems that need positive responses, we are more effective (and feel better) being assertive instead of aggressive. When we respond from our thinking, we choose a thought out response rather than an emotional one. We can be assertive and accomplish what we feel we must, without being angry. It is much easier to be assertive rather than aggressive if we have not set up some expectations that upset us when they are not met.

We need to learn to not let our peace of mind become dependent on what another person does. Except for adhering to the laws set down by our society, we have no right to expect that anyone act in a certain way, just as they have no right to require that from us.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: I trust other people as being naturally truthful and caring.

Tuesday: I realize that if I trust other people I give them the opportunity to trust me.

Wednesday: I realize that good comes from trust.

Thursday: I realize that I can explain what I want others to do without being angry.

Friday: I choose to think before I respond.

Saturday: I realize that I do not have the right to control other people.

Sunday: I recognize that others have the right to reject my requests.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I conduct workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

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I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

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