Dove with Branch
October 15, 2012 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk
Dear Peacemaker,
 
       Welcome!

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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, My wife often has to work late and sometimes goes on business trips where she works and socializes with men. This kind of situation is dangerous for our marriage and I have asked her not to do this. I have even told her that she must give up the job if she wants to save our marriage, but she says I must learn to trust her. I don't want to end the marriage but I am unable to accept this situation, what should I do? - Jerry in WA

Dear Jerry, Unless you really don't have enough trust to accept her as she is, telling her it was a condition of marriage is not conducive to a good relationship. A loving relationship is based on love; and love is founded in trust. Why would you want her if she wants someone else? If you want a loving relationship you must accept and trust her. Not trusting her may well result in her not being trustworthy. Decide whether you want a partner you can trust or one you can control. - the Dean

Dear Dean, My brother is always making a mess of his life. He uses drugs, drinks, can't hold a job and has lost four wives. Every time he gets in a mess he comes to me to bail him out. I feel like bailing him out is really not helping, but how do I stop doing that? I can't make him live on the street. - Belinda in TX

Dear Belinda, The answer is to give love and emotional support always and think carefully about the other support you give. Ask yourself if you are being caring or enabling? Sometimes this is a very difficult question. If you are having difficulty with this issue talk to someone outside the problem. If you need a place to seek help look up Co-Dependants Anonymous or Al-Anon. You are facing the same problems as someone who has an alcoholic in their life. Learn not to feel guilty for problems that you have no responsibility for. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

We try to solve the problems of the world from the viewpoint of our own beliefs and our own way of thinking. We know what we "should expect" from other people, and what they "should expect" from us. What we often fail to realize is that everyone else is trying to do the same. They are trying to solve the problems of the world from their way of thinking. We all want peace and joy in the world. The problem is that we have different ideas of what that is and how to achieve it.

Unfortunately this thinking often carries over to our expectations of what is right or wrong in relationships between countries. We make judgments that they are wrong and must change their behavior. How would you feel if the positions were reversed? We do need some rules about what is right and wrong for all. However they should be created by common agreement, treaty, a world governing body, or some other way we can come to agreement. Dictating how others must act, when we "know" they are wrong only leads to trouble. To live in Peace we must build a path that all societies are willing to walk down.

As long as we look at others who are trying to achieve the same basic things out of life as we are as our enemies, we shall continue to have problems. When we look on them as enemies we think that imposing our way on them will solve our problems. When we look on them as friends we try to help them solve their problems. And they try to help us solve our problems. Let's quit choosing sides and become friends with the rest of the world!

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

Perception and recognition is the way we have of evaluating the information than comes to us through our five senses and includes the specific way that we interpret that information. Each of us sees life from our own frame of reference. Our differing perceptions are often the source of conflict and anger. If we understand and choose to accept our differences however, our dissimilar perceptions can become a source of wisdom, joy, and humor in our lives.

We tend to perceive information in a way that supports the beliefs we have. First we take note of the information presented to us that validates our belief systems, and we often fail to notice things that do not. Next, we interpret the information that we receive in a way that is consistent with our existing belief system.

What if this wasn't necessarily the case? What if we considered the information in the light of differing belief systems? And what if we always looked at things from a number of points of view before making a decision? In order to win a trial lawyers are trained to carefully examine the other possible points of view. If they do not, they will not be prepared to respond with the best argument for their case. Likewise, you can learn to examine the information you receive from the points of view of all possibilities.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Today I appreciate the diversity in humankind.

Tuesday: Today I say only good things.

Wednesday: Today I say "I love you."

Thursday: Today I take time to breathe deeply.

Friday: Today I practice forgiveness.

Saturday: Today I am forgiveness in action.

Sunday: Today I take myself lightly.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I conduct workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

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I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

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