Dove with Branch
November 05, 2012 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk
Dear Peacemaker,
 
       Welcome!

This weekly newsletter is available free by subscription. All copies are available on my website.

If you enjoy this newsletter and know someone who you think may enjoy it as well, please feel free to share it with them.

Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, In order to maintain the lifestyle demanded by my family I have a job with a long stressful commute. When I get home from my long day I am tired and need some quite time. My family seems unable to provide the quiet and peaceful atmosphere necessary for my sanity. The children are always arguing or playing loudly and my wife fails to keep them quiet. How can I get them to be quiet so I can maintain my sanity? - Chris in OR

Dear Chris, I know that you are feeling the effects of a stressful day. You may feel that since you have been out there supporting your family that they should cater to your needs. However this is not the case. The need for peace and quiet is your problem not theirs. If you can't join in the fun in good humor then you need to find a place where you can go and experience the quiet time you seek. The last thing you want to do is get upset and be angry with them. This will not only make your immediate problem worse but it may also have some very negative long term effects as well. Perhaps you could learn to look at your children's interaction as a pleasant experience. - the Dean

Dear Dean, Selma in AZ can be firm in her dealings with aggressive co-workers without being aggressive. She simply needs to state the parameters under which she will do their work. It's up to them to accept her offer or leave it. If they accept, they must understand it is on her terms. If she clearly states her case, there should be fewer complaints. But if there are, they next time they ask, she can let the know, nicely, that she's unable to help them because she doesn't have the time to do the job the way they want it done. Once they see she is firm, but fair, they may begin to realize her value. - Claire in NM

Dear Claire, Again, thank you for your insightful contributions. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

We say we are a free society but what do we mean by that? When someone is curious about our age, for instance, do we give them the emotional freedom to ask; or are we upset by their question? I believe freedom should include giving people the right to be the way they want to be without emotionally attacking them or resisting them, just because you don't like what they are doing.

People who are raised in different cultures have different values. Since we are a multi-cultural society we have a lot of different and sometimes conflicting values in our common society. Instead of embracing and respecting those values that are different than our own, we often judge them. We sometimes go so far as to try to eliminate the way others do things just because we don't think they are appropriate.

If we are going to honor freedom then let's give up the idea of creating a "cookie cutter" society and embrace the differences. If you are uncomfortable with the values of others, consider honoring and accepting them instead of resisting and trying to change them. Freedom includes embracing the rights of others to be how they want to be. We have come a long way. Women have the right to vote. We all get to eat in the same restaurant. Let's give up the idea of trying to make others do something just because we think it is the way things should be done. We can only enjoy life when we allow all others the opportunity to enjoy life as well!

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

We know our opinions stem from our thoughts, not from external truth. So, perhaps we shouldn't go to battle over our truths as we so often do. Although deeply held, your truths are not necessarily those of others. When you come to terms with this reality and place feeling good above the need to be right, you'll be taking a giant step toward eradicating the angry conflicts in your life.

The need to be right is also the need to prevail. We live in a competitive society, and we like to be winners. Part of being right is winning the conflict. Realize this, and know that your desire to be right is your ego trying to win another contest. Reframe your thinking to accept the idea that we are all in this together. Expect that others will think differently and that their perception of events will not be the same as yours. Accept their differences with joy. If we were all the same it would be like living in "Pleasantville," the movie about life in the suburbs where everything is the same - dull, and colorless.

So how might you change your way of looking at things to take into consideration someone else's perceptions - and to wind up with a more harmonious result? Imagine someone using a cell phone in a restaurant where you are having dinner. They are chatting away somewhat loudly and this upsets you because you think they are making too much noise and being rude. But what if you came up with a new way of looking at the same situation - forced yourself, in other words, to perceive this unpleasant situation in a new, more pleasant light. That light might look something like this. "I'm going to imagine that this cell phone person is simply having a conversation with a real live dinner guest, and he is speaking as loudly as he is in fact speaking on the phone. I wouldn't be disturbed by the live conversation scenario - so why should I be disturbed by the cell phone exchange?" In this example by changing our perception of the event, we have succeeded in changing our response to it - from angry to accepting.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Today I listen to peaceful music.

Tuesday: Today I release stress.

Wednesday: Today I speak in a calm and loving tone of voice.

Thursday: Today I praise someone for their efforts.

Friday: Today I use words that lift and inspire me.

Saturday: Today I speak my truth, honestly and from the heart.

Sunday: Today I commit an act of kindness toward our planet.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I conduct workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

If you are a charitable or religious organization and would like to reprint any of my articles please contact me for permission, which will be cheerfully granted.

If you know someone who might be interested in using any, or all of my regular newspaper columns please pass this information on to them. Or send me their e-mail address, or telephone number, and I will be happy to send them the information.

Past issues of this newsletter are archived on my website.

I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

Contact Information

phone: 800-359-6015 fax:541-935-9361
web: lifewithoutanger
Join our mailing list!

If you wish to no longer receive this newsletter please send a reply which includes "unsubscribe" and the existing subject line in the reply.

The subject line and the address to which it was sent must be included.