Dove with Branch
February 11, 2013 Insights From the Dean of Peace
Notes from the Dean's Desk
Dear Peacemaker,
 
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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, I work for a manufacturing company. There is a co-worker that is always telling sexual jokes in my presence. I don't want to cause any problems for him, but I want him to stop the jokes. I have told him to please stop. He just thinks it's funny and continues. How can I get him to stop without getting him angry with me? - Lynda in CA align="justify">

Dear Lynda, Apparently he hasn't really heard your message. Improve the telling and find a way to improve his listening. Be friendly but assertive. Let him know that "dirty jokes" are not okay with you. Tell him you value his friendship. Let him know that they are really hurtful and that not telling them is an essential part of your friendship. Ask him to do it as a personal favor, make the problem yours and not his and perhaps he will be more caring. If he cares he will be more helpful. If this doesn't work consider taking a more assertive approach and have the two of you sit down with your supervisor to resolve the matter. - the Dean

Dear Dean, I don't allow anyone to wear shoes in the house. My children often forget about this rule. They play in the yard and get dirty and then track dirt into the house and they allow their friends to wear shoes even when they take their own off. I keep telling them but they never pay attention. What should I do? - April in CO

Dear April, It seems to me that you have a bigger problem than dirt. You need to find a way to get your children to pay attention to the rules. Explain the rule, the reason for the rule, and what the consequences are. Then when the rule is violated, lovingly enforce the consequences without fail. I suggest that you include cleaning up the mess as part of the consequences. Empty threats and displays of anger are generally not effective and tend to create negativity in your relationship with your child. - the Dean

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

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Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

It is a part of our nature to be violent. It is also a part of our nature to be angry, fearful, controlling, cheating, greedy, and all those things we associate with the unpleasant world that many of us see ourselves as living in. On the other hand it is also a part of our nature to be loving, caring, peaceful, sharing and joyful. We humans have the free will to be whichever of these things we choose to be at any given moment. In any given instance we always choose whichever of these things that our beliefs tell us we should choose. We choose what we do because we learn and believe that it is what we should do. We get angry simply because we should get angry in a certain situation. If we had learned to look at this same event or circumstances differently, we would have responded differently.

What if instead of judging each event by how we believe it should be, we change to judging it by the results it produces? If we look at things this way, then when things don't turn out the way we want we are not left with a feeling of being violated! Instead we would spend our energy looking for a new way to respond to the event that is in line with our greater goal of living peacefully and in harmony with others.

This is something that will not happen overnight, but can be and must be learned if we are to live in a peaceful world. The system of trying to make us all think and act the same has been tried and failed. This new way of thinking is the hope we have of making life joyful for all.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

Personal Peace comes from the way we view and respond to the world around us. Our own personal world and the way we feel about it is determined by the way we chose to respond rather than by what actually happens to us.

Whatever happens is simply what happens. How we choose to view it is determined by our own personal belief system, the way we look at things, and how we feel about all of the stuff that has happened to us in the past. How we feel, and how we respond to something always comes from our own personal choice that we make at the moment the event or thought occurs to us.

Most of us have learned to judge events as either good or bad and respond accordingly. This is the way our parents and the world have taught us how to deal with things. We are taught that we are supposed to feel bad, or angry, when certain things happen. Too often we make a judgment that things are bad and then respond from our negative emotions, instead of being able to calmly think about what happened before we choose how to respond.

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Think about how your beliefs are created out of your learning and experiences.

Tuesday: Think about how you would feel if your beliefs didn't cause you to be upset.

Wednesday: Think about the beliefs you have about your family that you would like to change.

Thursday: Think about the beliefs you have about your work that you would like to change.

Friday: Think about the beliefs you have about your community and your country that you would like to change.

Saturday: Think about the beliefs you have about yourself that you would like to change.

Sunday: Resolve that when your beliefs are upsetting, you will find a new belief to replace them.

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I conduct workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

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Past issues of this newsletter are archived on my website.

I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

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