Dove with Branch
October 28, 2013 Insights From the Dean of Peace
 
Notes from the Dean's Desk
Dear Peacemaker,
 
       Welcome!
 

This weekly newsletter is available free by subscription. All copies are available on my website.

 

If you enjoy this newsletter and know someone who you think may enjoy it as well, please feel free to share it with them.

Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, I have a good friend who will come over to visit and while we are talking promise to help me on some project I talk about. We make a date for him to come over and help but he almost never shows up. Just last weekend he promised he would come over and help me repair a fence and he never came or called. The next time I saw him he never even mentioned it, let alone say he was sorry. What can I do to get him to keep his promises? - Kevin in CA

 

Dear Kevin, You might ask him if he would like a reminder call. Perhaps that morning, or when you are about ready to start. He has developed this behavior pattern that he has apparently chosen to do nothing about. If you reject him perhaps he will care enough to change, but don't count on it. If you want to keep the relationship the thing you must learn is to expect that kind of behavior as normal for him, and not be upset by unrealized expectations based on his promises. - the Dean

 

Dear Dean, My wife has told me that I must quit shouting at her when I get upset or she is going to leave me. She makes a lot of mistakes and doesn't seem to care about correcting them. I was taught that when someone makes a mistake they must do what they can to correct it. I don't shout at her because she makes mistakes, I shout at her because she doesn't fix them the way she should. What do you suggest? - Mike in MN

 

Dear Mike, Your expectations of your wife don't match her way of looking at the world. She has a habit of not doing things the way you want them done and you have a habit of being upset when she doesn't. You have a habit that causes you to believe she should do it your way. The way you respond is just a belief and a habit you have. Your belief is not serving you well. If you want to keep the relationship, you need to learn to respond differently. If you can't do it on your own I suggest a counselor, or my book "Relationships Without Anger." - the Dean

 

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

 

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

We have developed a habit of pursuing politics of self-interest. We fight to elect politicians and create laws that are favorable to ourselves, and the groups we belong to, regardless of the cost to others. If a politician from the party we support violates the law we overlook it. If a politician we oppose violates the law, we want to throw the book at him. When we do this we are no longer able to maintain a fair and just society.

 

This kind of situational ethics is not a positive way to run a democracy. The basic concept of a democracy requires that we work together for the common good. We are substituting the basic idea of having a government that supports everyone, for a government that promotes our own personal interest. We think the end justifies the means. Our personal self-interest as we see it becomes the good.

 

In the long run we are not well served by promoting only our self-interest. This will result in a society that is stressful and in constant turmoil. We can't be peaceful unless we are fully considerate of the needs of others. Power and greed may lead to wealth but they don't lead to peace.

 

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

We tend to make ourselves the victim of our own thinking. We grow up expecting certain things out of life, and when those things don't happen, we feel cheated. When something bad happens we tend to say, "What did I ever do to deserve this?" We find it difficult just to accept what happens because we get tied up in our own expectations and attachments. We put ourselves in the victim role whenever we deny that the feeling of being a victim actually originates in our own mind and that it is just the choice we have made about how we look at what happened.

 

If you find yourself thinking in terms of "How can I possibly cope with this awful situation?" you are admitting that you are a victim. Thinking about how you can just get by is victim thinking. Instead we need to think in terms of, "I am in control here." "I am the boss of my life." Until you take over the control of your life in every way, you are making yourself a victim. "Taking control," means that you are the one who makes choices about your own life based on your independent needs and thinking. It means that you are not making your choices based on what someone, or everyone else, is telling you that you must, or must not, do.

 

Refuse to become the victim of your own beliefs. Whenever you discover that you have beliefs that depreciate or upset you, don't allow them to remain. Examine them and make the necessary changes to align your thinking with beliefs that will allow you to get the best out of life.

 

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Find a belief that upsets you and ask yourself if you are absolutely sure it is true.

 

Tuesday: Find a belief that upsets you and ask yourself if it is based on your own independent thinking.

 

Wednesday: Find a belief that upsets you and ask yourself if this belief actually helps you in life.

 

Thursday: Find a belief that upsets you and ask yourself how much it has helped you so far.

 

Friday: Find a belief that upsets you and ask yourself how it will affect your life in the future.

 

Saturday: Find a belief that upsets you and ask yourself how it fits in with your other beliefs.

 

Sunday: Find a belief that upsets you and ask yourself if there is a better belief to replace it with.

 

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I conduct workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

 

If you are a charitable or religious organization and would like to reprint any of my articles please contact me for permission, which will be cheerfully granted.

If you know someone who might be interested in using any, or all of my regular newspaper columns please pass this information on to them. Or send me their e-mail address, or telephone number, and I will be happy to send them the information.

 

Past issues of this newsletter are archived on my website.

 

 

I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

If you wish to no longer receive this newsletter please send a reply which includes "unsubscribe" and the existing subject line in the reply.

The subject line and the address to which it was sent must be included.

 

 

Contact Information

web: lifewithoutanger.com
Join our mailing list!