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Date: Fri, 3 Jan 2014 09:19:12 -0500 (EST)
From: "Dr. Dean Van Leuven" <drdean@centurylink.net>
Reply-To: "Dr. Dean Van Leuven" <drdean@centuryLink.net>
To: inbox@jurgensis.com
Subject: Inner Peace Newsletter  12-30-2013
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Dove with Branch
December 30, 2013 Insights From the Dean of Peace
 
Notes from the Dean's Desk
Dear Peacemaker,
 
      Welcome!
 

This weekly newsletter is available free by subscription. All copies are available on my website.

 

If you enjoy this newsletter and know someone who you think may enjoy it as well, please feel free to share it with them.

Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, There is a co-worker in my office who is frequently telling off color sexual jokes in my presence. This is the only problem I have and otherwise our relationship is fine. I don't want to make trouble for him. All I want is for him to stop telling the jokes. I have asked him to stop but he doesn't seem to take me seriously. He is actually a decent guy and I enjoy being around him except when he is telling those horrible jokes. I don't want to cause any problems for him, but I want him to stop the jokes. I have told him to please stop but he just thinks it's funny and continues. How can I get him to stop without causing him to be upset with me? - Hanna in MD

 

Dear Hanna, The problem seems to be that he hasn't really heard your message. So improve the telling and find a way to improve his listening. Be friendly but assertive. Let him know that "dirty jokes" are not okay with you. Tell him you value his friendship. Let him know that they are really hurtful and that not telling them is an essential part of your friendship. Ask him to do it as a personal favor, make the problem yours and not his and perhaps he will be more caring. If he cares he will be more helpful. If he doesn't care perhaps you need to take a more assertive approach and have the two of you talk with your supervisor to resolve the matter. - the Dean

 

Dear Dean, I like to keep my house clean. I don't allow anyone to wear shoes in the house. My children often ignore this rule. They play sports and then track dirt into the house. They also allow their friends to wear shoes even when they take their own off. I keep reminding them but they never pay any attention. What should I do? - Brea in WA

 

Dear Brea, It seems to me that you have a bigger problem than dirt. You need to find a way to get your children to pay attention to the rules. Explain what the rules are, the reason for the rule and what the consequences are. Then when the rule is violated, lovingly enforce the consequences without fail. I suggest including cleaning up the mess as part of the consequences. Idle threats and displays of anger are generally not effective and tend to create negativity in your relationship with your child. They also create a negative outlook on life in general because the child learns to resist what others direct her/him to do rather than to choose a response that is in their own best interest. - the Dean

 

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

 

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

We have developed a habit of thinking of people who have different concepts and ideas about how to solve our social problems as wrong, and we spend our time telling them how stupid they are - and how smart we are. We think we are right and they are wrong. They would be wrong if they were required to look at the world the same way we do - but they are not.

 

In a democracy we get to keep our beliefs - but we vote on which particular solutions we use to govern our society. This concept requires that we accept the will of the majority and protect the rights of the minority - sometimes a difficult thing to do. If we want our society to be peaceful and productive we must accept our rules without resistance. If they don't work out the way that is good for society as a whole we will get a chance to change them.

 

When we feel the existing rules are not working we would benefit far more by looking for new positive solutions that others will see value in - and promoting those ideas - than we would just trying to tear down the existing ways because we don't like them. If the majority wants to do things differently than you or yours do, accept it with good cheer. When we are in the majority let's always honor the other person's point of view and allow him to do things his own way as much as possible.

 

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

Our expectations can often get in the way of intimacy - especially when we are not forthcoming with our mate, or when expectations clash. We need to let our mate know what our expectations are, find out what their expectations are, and then come to some agreement about them. Preferably, we should do this before we enter into any permanent or long-term relationship.

 

Your mate's expectations will always be different than yours. To assume otherwise will only get you into trouble. Too often we expect that our relationship will or should resemble how things were in our own family, or how "most couples" relate to each other in this society. We then become partners with someone expecting that they will think and act that way. But we have no right to expect that our prospective partner live up to our expectations, unless they agree to. Just because they have agreed to enter into a relationship with you does not mean that they have agreed to do the cooking or the car repairs, or anything else that you may consider customary and expect from them.

 

Anything you consider important in your relationship should be discussed and agreed to ahead of time by both of you. When new things come up as your relationship progresses, they should be worked out mutually. You have no right to be upset just because your mate doesn't want to do things your way. Their ideas of what they expect and what they are willing to contribute are just as important as yours are. Expecting them to conform to your notion of how a partner should be, when they haven't agreed to those expectations, and becoming angry when they don't live up to them, is unfair and unreasonable.

 

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Think about what your expectations are for you mate, or your prospective mate.

 

Tuesday: Determine what your mate's or prospective mate's expectations for you are.

 

Wednesday: Think about the expectations your mate has, or is likely to have, that are different than your own.

 

Thursday: Remember that if you model anger, your mate will respond in anger.

 

Friday: Think about the possible ways you will be able to meet each other's expectations.

 

Saturday: Resolve that any time you and your mate disagree that you will work together to find a solution that is satisfactory for both of you.

 

Sunday: When you feel upset with your mate remember what first attracted you to about them.

 

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I conduct workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

 

If you are a charitable or religious organization and would like to reprint any of my articles please contact me for permission, which will be cheerfully granted.

 

If you know someone who might be interested in using any, or all of my regular newspaper columns please pass this information on to them. Or send me their e-mail address, or telephone number, and I will be happy to send them the information.

 

Past issues of this newsletter are archived on my website.

 

I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

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Contact Information

phone: 800-359-6015 fax:541-935-9361
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