Dove with Branch
April 28, 2014 Insights From the Dean of Peace
 
Notes from the Dean's Desk
Dear Peacemaker,
 
      Welcome!
 

This weekly newsletter is available free by subscription. All copies are available on my website.

 

If you enjoy this newsletter and know someone who you think may enjoy it as well, please feel free to share it with them.

Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, My daughter has a longhaired cat And can you believe it! She brings it with her when she comes to visit. After the first visit and what it did to our furniture I said never again. When I told her no, she said, "Well I am not going to come without her." What should I do to solve this dilemma? - Lisa in WI

 

Dear Lisa, Your daughter is throwing a mini-tantrum. As you probably know tantrums work as a strategy only as long as we allow them to work. Once you have set the rule you should support it. We don't need to be unreasonable or arbitrary when we set rules but if you see the cat as a problem you don't want to deal with then a threat is no reason for changing the rule. Giving in to someone's demands is not the way to solve life's problems. You may want to offer an alternate solution such as you visiting her place if the cat is the only real problem. - the Dean

 

Dear Dean, My son-in-law wants to smoke in our house when he visits. My husband thinks we should compromise and let him smoke in the guest bedroom and the family room when it is vacant. I don't think we should do that. I think it's about boundaries and he needs to respect ours. He has known since courtship how we feel about smoking in the house. - Diane in CA

 

Dear Diane, I don't see it just as a question of boundaries. It is also a question about negotiating with your husband. He is suggesting an alternate rule that he feels would be more effective. You should discuss and consider this change. It is not just about your wishes. It is also about what works best, and your husband's wishes as well. If you decide to stay with the rule think of it as standing in your truth. When we think of it as a boundary then we create resistance (anger) when anyone tries to violate it. Yes your son-in-law needs to respect your (and your husband's) wishes. - the Dean

 

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

 

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

We humans have a great power of rationalization. We have the ability to see a particular event or set of facts in a way that supports our position. We find this of such great value that we even have debate teams in school where we learn and compete at this skill. We think that it is more important for our point of view to prevail than it is to determine the facts about something. The points that don't agree with our view we twist or ignore.

 

Why do we do this? I believe it is because we live in a world where power is more important than truth. He who has the power gets all the "goodies" regardless of the truth of the matter. That is the way we have created our society. Because of this, the power of persuasion is an important skill in our society. When we have this viewpoint, prevailing over others is more important than being at peace with others.

 

If we are going to create a peaceful world society, we must learn to replace this old way of thinking with a viewpoint that both searches for the truth and respects the viewpoint of others. When we are all trying to prevail over others, when we are not willing to accept less, there is no possibility of peace. Peace cannot be obtained through power! That is why so many of us think that peace is not possible. We can have peace when we are willing to accept not having it "our way" all of the time. Change our goal and we can find peace. As it is sometimes said, we need to shift from the love of power to the power of love.

 

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

In dealing with others, the best rule is to start from a place of trust, realizing and accepting that you could be wrong. People tend to respond to you in the same way you act. You will receive far more trust if you offer trust. If you offer distrust; that is what you will usually get back.

 

In dealing with problems that need positive responses, we are more effective (and feel better) being assertive instead of aggressive. When we respond from our thinking, we choose a thought out response rather than an emotional one. We can be assertive and accomplish what we feel we must, without being angry. It is much easier to be assertive rather than aggressive if we have not set up some expectations that upset us when they are not met.

 

We need to learn to not let our peace of mind become dependent on what another person does. Except for adhering to the laws set down by our society, we have no right to expect that anyone act in a certain way, just as they have no right to require that from us.

 

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: I trust other people as being naturally truthful and caring.

 

Tuesday: I realize that if I trust other people I give them the opportunity to trust me.

 

Wednesday: I realize that good comes from trust.

 

Thursday: I realize that I can explain what I want others to do without being angry.

 

Friday: I choose to think before I respond.

 

Saturday: I realize that I do not have the right to control other people.

 

Sunday: Others have the right to reject my requests.

 

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I conduct workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

 

If you are a charitable or religious organization and would like to reprint any of my articles please contact me for permission, which will be cheerfully granted.

 

If you know someone who might be interested in using any, or all of my regular newspaper columns please pass this information on to them. Or send me their e-mail address, or telephone number, and I will be happy to send them the information.

 

Past issues of this newsletter are archived on my website.

 

I welcome your suggestion or comments. If you have a question that you would like addressed in the Ask the Dean? column feel free to send them to drdean@lifewithoutanger.com

 

If you wish to no longer receive this newsletter please send a reply which includes "unsubscribe" and the existing subject line in the reply.

The subject line and the address to which it was sent must be included.

 

 

Contact Information

phone: 800-359-6015 fax:541-935-9361
web: lifewithoutanger.com
Join our mailing list!