Dove with Branch
May 5, 2014 Insights From the Dean of Peace
 
Notes from the Dean's Desk
      Dear Peacemaker,
 
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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, My mother recently passed away a month ago. I am having a difficult time getting over the loss. My sister doesn't seem to be affected by it. She continues to attend social events and seems to be enjoying life much as before. How can she do this? Should I speak to her about her behavior and how disrespectful she is to mother? - Laura in FL

 

Dear Laura, Your sister might be able to give you some helpful tips for getting over the loss of your mother. We all grieve in our own way and our own time. The sooner we are able to Let go and get on with our life the better our life will be. When we have a loss if we want to have a happy life the object is to get over it as soon as possible. There is no required or expected way to grieve. You are entitled to grieve as long as you want but you should not be asking or expecting others to grieve in the same way you do. - the Dean

 

Dear Dean, My mother has never approved of my husband. She thinks he is not good enough for me or to me. I knew this when I married him. He is good to me! I love him and love being with him. He drinks but only socially. My mother refuses to even speak to him because of this. She won't even let him come to her home but invites only me and the children. How can I get my mother to accept him? - Maria in CO

 

Dear Maria, Your mother is entitled to choose whether she accepts your husband or not. It would be helpful if you could accept that. Let your mother know you are firm in your choice and that you love them both and ask her if she could try to respect your choice. That is about the best you can do. If you feel the need, ask her if she would keep her opinions to her self. Prepare to love them both and not let yourself be disturbed by your mother's honest feelings. - the Dean

 

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

 

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

Most of us believe it is important to be right. We think it is bad to make mistakes and we don't want to be bad so we refuse to think that we might be making a mistake. When we think someone else is making a mistake we think it is important to correct them. Some of us even like the feeling of superiority we get when we are right and the other person is wrong. After all, in this society those who know all the answers have all the power.

 

When we do this we devalue the importance of relationships. Isn't a loving relationship more important than the accuracy of facts? If your partner tells someone you went out to dinner last Saturday is it important for you to correct her because it was actually Friday? Most people have learned to feel disturbed when someone corrects them. Why do we want to create this tension when it serves no purpose other than our need to be right?

 

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Do you want others around you to be happy? Ask yourself if there is some need other than your need to be right before you correct someone and you will avoid a lot of unnecessary conflict in your relationship with them. This applies especially to your mate. Let them be wrong unless doing so creates some kind of real problem. When you do have to make corrections always be loving about it. People who give love enjoy life much more than those who are perfect. People who get love from you will enjoy you much more than those you have shown the error of their statement.

 

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

Any time we set up specific expectations, or requirements for what must happen, or what we expect others to do in order to have happiness in our lives, we set ourselves up for anger and frustration. We are all unique individuals, and other people are not trained to, nor do they expect to meet, our every need. They are much more concerned with their own needs than they are with ours. Don't expect others to have known, or done what you would have wanted them to. Don't get stuck in the "they should have ." trap.

 

Satisfying and positive relationships result from our mutual caring about and assisting each other, not from obligation. While others have no obligation to meet our needs, they often find they will benefit from doing so. When we help others we often get much more in return. Being of service to others will produce much happiness. It will also remove many of the potential anger-producing situations from our life.

 

Too often we end up manipulating others to do things our way without even realizing it. This creates anger because it's not what they want to do and they will therefore resist us. And this resistance will cause us both to be angry.

 

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: I think about the things that I expect others to do for me.

 

Tuesday: I think about the things that I expect others to do for me.

 

Wednesday: I think about the things I expect from others that upset them.

 

Thursday: I think about how I respond when others do not meet my expectations.

 

Friday: Today I release the expectations I have of others.

 

Saturday: I do not ask others to do anything for me that I would not do for myself.

 

Sunday: I appreciate and rejoice in the things that others do for me because they want to.

 

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I conduct workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

 

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