Dove with Branch
June 23, 2014

Insights From

the Dean of Peace

 

Notes from the Dean's Desk
Dear Peacemaker,
     
      Welcome!
 
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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, My wife often has to work late and sometimes goes on business trips where she works and socializes with men. This kind of situation is dangerous for our marriage and I have asked her not to do this. I have even told her that she must give up the job if she wants to save our marriage, but she says I must learn to trust her. I don't want to end the marriage but I am unable to accept this situation, what should I do? - Trevor in OK

 

Dear Trevor, Unless you really don't have enough trust to accept her as she is, telling her it was a condition of marriage is not conducive to a good relationship. A loving relationship is based on love; and love is founded in trust. Why would you want her if she wants someone else? If you want a loving relationship you must accept and trust her. Not trusting her may well result in her not being trustworthy. Decide whether you want a partner you can trust or one you can control. - the Dean

 

Dear Dean, My brother is always making a mess of his life. He uses drugs, drinks, can't hold a job and has lost four wives. Every time he gets in a mess he comes to me to bail him out. I feel like bailing him out is really not helping, but how do I stop doing that? I can't make him live on the street. - Jolene in CO

 

Dear Jolene, The answer is to give love and emotional support always and think carefully about the other support you give. Ask yourself if you are being caring or enabling? Sometimes this is a very difficult question. If you are having difficulty with this issue talk to someone outside the problem. If you need a place to seek help look up Co-Dependants Anonymous or Al-Anon. You are facing the same problems as someone who has an alcoholic in their life. Learn not to feel guilty for problems that you have no responsibility for. - the Dean

 

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

 

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

We try to solve the problems of the world from the viewpoint of our own beliefs and our own way of thinking. We know what we "should expect" from other people, and what they "should expect" from us. What we often fail to realize is that everyone else is trying to do the same. They are trying to solve the problems of the world from their way of thinking. We all want peace and joy in the world. The problem is that we have different ideas of what that is and how to achieve it.

 

Unfortunately this thinking often carries over to our expectations of what is right or wrong in relationships between countries. We make judgments that they are wrong and must change their behavior. How would you feel if the positions were reversed? We do need some rules about what is right and wrong for all. However they should be created by common agreement, treaty, a world governing body, or some other way we can come to agreement. Dictating how others must act, when we "know" they are wrong only leads to trouble. To live in Peace we must build a path that all societies are willing to walk down.

 

As long as we look at others who are trying to achieve the same basic things out of life as we are as our enemies, we shall continue to have problems. When we look on them as enemies we think that imposing our way on them will solve our problems. When we look on them as friends we try to help them solve their problems. And they try to help us solve our problems. Let's quit choosing sides and become friends with the rest of the world!

 

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

Most of us want to be true to our own belief systems. We want to respond the way we believe we should, rather than how we feel at the moment. Learn to follow your positive impulses in responding to situations. If you try to respond in the way you think others want you to respond, you will find it more difficult to feel good about yourself.

 

You probably grew up learning how to respond the way your parents and teachers told you that you should respond. You have learned those lessons from others, but you are an adult now. Now is the time to look at the way you are responding to the requests of others and make sure that you are responding the way you want to respond, not just the way you were taught. If you often don't like how you feel about what you are doing or saying, pay attention and try to determine why that is happening. Determine what changes you can make in your responses so that you will no longer be feeling negative about the actions you take.

 

You can learn to be in control and choose the behavior you desire. If you whine about something, remember that you have chosen that behavior. Work at seeing how self-defeating it is to whine about things. Keep looking for the times you complain about things. Refuse to accept that behavior from yourself. Change your complaining attitude to one of observing and evaluating what is going on. The thing you change by complaining is how you feel, and how others feel about you. When you complain you make yourself feel bad. You also make everyone else feel bad. Also, you will generally get a less positive response from others when you complain.

 

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Today I listen to peaceful music.

 

Tuesday: Today I sit in a peaceful environment.

 

Wednesday: Today I reclaim my inner peace.

 

Thursday: Today I share my commitment to peace.

 

Friday: Today I delight in being me.

 

Saturday: Today I visualize world peace.

 

Sunday: Today I commit to resolve differences peacefully.

 

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I conduct workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

 

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