Dove with Branch
August11, 2014

Insights From

the Dean of Peace

 

Notes from the Dean's Desk
Dear Peacemaker,
 
      Welcome! 
 

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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, I have a friend who has lots of troubles. He is always asking for my help and I end up giving it. The problem is that he doesn't seem to appreciate my help. He asks for my advice, ignores it, and then blames me when it doesn't work out. This leaves me upset. How can I get him to appreciate what I do for him? - Jason in MO

 

Dear Jason, You probably can't. You can however learn not to expect or require his appreciation. You can learn to think that your advice is given with love and without "strings of appreciation" attached. If this doesn't work for you, and you want to retain him as a friend, try telling him that you have no more advice to give. If you still feel a need to help, and to be appreciated, it might pay to find a different friend. Friendship should be based on love, and without stress. - the Dean

 

Dear Dean, I have been married four times without success. I have found a wonderful man who is attentive and whom I love very much. My experience has been that things change once you marry. I am afraid to try again. I don't think I can accept another failure; but I am lonesome. Should I consider marriage? How can I make sure it would be successful? - Grace in WA

 

Dear Grace, If you want to consider marriage you should. Can you make sure it is a success? - No. Your first marriages gave you lessons. You can learn from the lessons, or repeat the mistakes. Some of them may have to do with choice, some with expectations, and some with your own behavior. Don't remarry until you have learned new thinking and behavior that will resolve those issues. Don't remarry because of need. Learning to be okay with being alone creates greater freedom in your relationship. - the Dean

 

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

 

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

I have been reflecting on a difficult question this week. It is; when we are an activist seeking positive solutions for creating peace how do we work with and identify with those who are seeking peace by resisting all of the violence in the world? When I seek change only by searching for positive solutions and not simply by resisting what I think is wrong, how do I interact with those who are seeking change through resistance to what is?

 

The answer, I think; is contained in the fact that we are all in this life together. And that includes those who are using violence to achieve their objectives. Human society has a universal interest in maximizing our life experience. Since we are in this experience together, we should all be talking to each other all of the time, no matter what the circumstances.

 

We should state our truth and the reasons for it clearly, and listen openly and respectfully to the truth of others. We need to remember they have as much right to their truth as we have to ours. We should always respond in a loving way and be willing to accept the consensus decision of the group, even if we don't agree with it. We may continue to work for change by getting others to understand the value of the position we hold in a positive way. Let's all stand together whether we agree with each other or not! Since we will never all agree, the only way to have peace is to agree to disagree and accept the other person's point of view as valid him. Remember that what everyone has a natural inclination to be loved - to be accepted as a good and loving person!

 
 
Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

If you find something funny you are not looking at it in a negative way. When we look for the humor in every situation and respond with humor whenever possible, we tend to blunt the tendency to feel negative about something. Instead we transform it into a positive emotion. When we do this we change the negative situation or the event, whatever it may be, into a positive event from our point of view.

 

Humor can also be thought of as a way of re-appraising a situation. Because you have thought of something in a humorous way, you have changed it into an emotionally positive event. You have intentionally placed yourself in your positive emotions when you chose humor as a response. Also, this allows you to send the information to the thinking center of your brain in order to develop an effective reply. Thinking about something instead of just reacting, tends to remove or reduce the emotional impact.

 

When you respond with humor you are able to actually shift from a negative emotion to a positive one just by the way you perceive and react to the event. Thinking it is funny when someone cuts in front of you in traffic will change your emotional response. By using humor, you're telling yourself that you refuse to take things too seriously. Humor reduces the seriousness of your thought. It shows that you can laugh at your failures. Humor laughs at our failures, but in an accepting and tolerant way. It helps you see the other side of things.

 

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Today I treat all animals kindly.

 

Tuesday: Today I give thanks for the children of the world.

 

Wednesday: Today I hold peaceful loving thoughts for the world's leaders.

 

Thursday: Today I take time to sit and be peaceful.

 

Friday: Today I give life the light touch.

 

Saturday: Today I take time to enjoy and appreciate my family.

 

Sunday: Today I re-label my "mistakes" as lessons.

 

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

 

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I conduct workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

 

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