Dove with Branch
October 6, 2014

Insights From

the Dean of Peace

 

Notes from the Dean's Desk
Dear Peacemaker,
 
      Welcome!

 

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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, My husband is always complaining about the clothes I wear. He is always telling me to wear something more appropriate. I like to wear prints and slacks. He thinks women should wear dresses or skirts without prints of bright colors. Should I wear the clothes he likes? - Shanna in CA

 

Dear Shanna, Only if you want to! He wants you to dress differently and it is okay for him to let you know that. However, you are the one who gets to choose your clothing. Consider how you want your life to be, including your relationship, and make a choice. What he thinks is only one of the factors you should consider. Ask yourself if you are doing this because it is what you want for yourself. If the answer is yes, then continue to wear what you have always worn. - the Dean

 

Dear Dean, My wife doesn't like to cook. I would like a nice dinner after a long day. When I get home I need a warm meal but I seldom get it. She is always busy with the children or has been to some gabfest with the girls and is tired. How can I get her to prepare a decent meal? - Brad in OH

 

Dear Brad, Perhaps you can't. It is not her job to prepare a hot meal for you unless she has agreed that it is her job. Did she agree to be the cook, or do you just expect it because that is what women do? If she agreed to it, find out how you can be supportive. If she didn't agree to be the cook then find out how you can have a hot meal; or eat a cold one. This is obviously a part of the relationship that is causing a problem. Perhaps it is as simple as your wife resenting you being the boss. It is way past time to sit down together and find a solution that will fulfill the desires of both of you. - the Dean

 

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

 

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

If we kill someone we are guilty of murder. If we kill ten people we are a serial killer. If we kill thirty-three people we are guilty of a horrendous crime. The leaders of the world all recognize this and still when it comes to the greatest crime of all - waging war on another country - they praise it as a necessary tool to achieve our objectives. They even do it just to create democracy in another country.

 

They do not seem to recognize it as wrong, for they promote it as in the best interests of our own country. When our rulers see a perceived wrong (according to our interests or viewpoint) they are willing to use war as a tool to achieve their objectives. Those who recognize a small crime as such but do not recognize the wickedness of the greatest crime of all - the waging of war on another country - and instead praise it - cannot recognize the difference between right and wrong.

 

Perhaps we still need to recognize the right of self-defense, but that does not include the right to use war to achieve our political aims. It is time we give up the need to have it our way and accept the role of the world court and world government as a means of settling our differences with other nations, just as the individual states in our nation look to the federal government. This system has worked well for us. It could work for the whole world.

 

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

Any time we set up specific expectations, or requirements for what must happen, or what we expect others to do in order to have happiness in our lives, we set ourselves up for anger and frustration. We are all unique individuals, and other people are not trained to, nor do they expect to meet, our every need. They are much more concerned with their own needs than they are with ours. Don't expect others to have known, or done what you would have wanted them to. Don't get stuck in the "they should have" trap.

 

Satisfying and positive relationships result from our mutual caring about and assisting each other, not from obligation. While others have no obligation to meet our needs, they often find they will benefit from doing so. When we help others we often get much more in return. Being of service to others will produce much happiness. It will also remove many of the potential anger-producing situations from our life.

 

Too often we end up manipulating others to do things our way without even realizing it. This creates anger because it's not what they want to do and they will therefore resist us. And this resistance will cause us both to be angry.

 

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: I think about the things that I expect others to do for me.

 

Tuesday: I think about the things I expect of others that upset me when they do not do them.

 

Wednesday: I think about the things I expect from others that upset them.

 

Thursday: I think about how I respond when others do not meet my expectations.

 

Friday: Today I release the expectations I have for others.

 

Saturday: I do not ask others to do anything for me that I do not want to do.

 

Sunday: I appreciate and rejoice in the things that others do for me because they want to.

 

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I conduct workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

 

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