Dove with Branch
October 27, 2014

Insights From

the Dean of Peace

 
Notes from the Dean's Desk
Dear Peacemaker,
 
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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, My daughter has married and moved to another state. The only contact I have is Christmas and birthday cards. I ask her to call but she doesn't. I miss her very much. What do you suggest? - Barbara in CT

 

Dear Barbara, The lessons she learned growing up apparently did not include keeping in close touch with her mother. Perhaps this is because you taught her to be independent. Now is the time to give her whatever love she will accept, and appreciate the person you have taught her to become. You can try to find a positive way to be in her life, but do not offer beyond what she is willing to accept. Perhaps unfortunately, our society does not include an obligation to care about our parents. - the Dean

 

Dear Dean, I make collages and like to hang them on my walls. My husband says that he does not like collages and refuses to allow them to be displayed in the home. We seem to be OK with everything else. He says that some of my pictures include old boyfriends and he doesn't want to be reminded of them. I have no love attachment to old boyfriends but I like be reminded of my fond memories which sometimes include them. Should I put away the old collages or replace some pictures just to make him happy? - Sharon in TX

 

Dear Sharon, Yes, no, and maybe. It isn't necessary to eliminate your collages just because of his problem and he needs to work on getting over his jealousy. To have a successful marriage he needs to learn to trust. On the other hand a little compassion may be in order. Perhaps a compromise, such as putting the old pictures away and creating new ones might be helpful if he agrees to work on his problem in return. Neither of you are perfect. Helping each other to get better is part of a good relationship. - the Dean

 

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

As a people we have embraced the idea of an end to warfare and that we would like to live in peace. But at the same time we have not accepted the idea that our world can be peaceful. We see it as a world where we are all competing for limited resources and if we don't prevail, we won't survive. We believe in survival of the fittest so we see life as a struggle to survive.

 

If we stop and reflect for a moment we will realize that we are using much of those "limited resources" just for the struggle. We use about half of our national resources in this country just to support our fight for survival (supremacy) as a nation. We make our legal system an adversarial system and give half the resources (money) to the warriors (lawyers). If we could just double our available resources by learning to get along with each other, and find peaceful resolutions to our problems we could double the standard of living for everyone! The petroleum we use to provide for our military needs could be used to solve our current gasoline shortage problem. It would release a lot of our mental energy for finding long term solutions to our energy needs as well.

 

When we can't think beyond our present need for preservation we don't do a good job of providing for the future. Let's start looking more outside the box for solutions to our problems. Let's look more for solutions that will enrich our quality of life. Let's be more open to change. We know things aren't working exactly the way we want them to be. Let's be more respectful of others, they are trying to solve the same problems. They are just working with a different vision. Let's work on creating a new common vision and then work on solving our common problems together.

 

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

In dealing with others, the best rule is to start from a place of trust, realizing and accepting that you could be wrong. People tend to respond to you in the same way you act. You will receive far more trust if you offer trust. If you offer distrust, distrust is what you will usually get back.

 

In dealing with problems that need positive responses, we are more effective (and feel better) being assertive instead of aggressive. When we respond from our thinking, we choose a thought out response rather than an emotional one. We can be assertive and accomplish what we feel we must, without being angry. It is much easier to be assertive rather than aggressive when we don't think that things must turn out a certain way.

 

We need to learn to not let our peace of mind become dependent on what another person does. Except for adhering to the laws set down by our society, we have no right to expect that anyone act in a certain way, just as they have no right to require that from us.

 

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: I trust other people as being naturally truthful and caring.

 

Tuesday: I realize that if I trust other people I give them the opportunity to trust me.

 

Wednesday: I realize that good comes from trust.

 

Thursday: I realize that I can explain what I would like others to do without being angry.

 

Friday: I choose to think before I respond.

 

Saturday: I realize that I do not have the right to control other people.

 

Sunday: Others have the right to reject my requests.

 

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I conduct workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

 

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