Dove with Branch
January 12, 2015

Insights From

the Dean of Peace

 

Notes from the Dean's Desk

Dear Peacemaker,

 

      Welcome!
 

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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, My husband is always complaining about the clothes I wear. He is always telling me to wear something more appropriate. I like to wear prints and slacks. He thinks women should wear dresses or skirts without prints of bright colors. Should I wear the clothes he likes? - Nora in VA

 

Dear Nora, Only if you want to! He wants you to dress differently and it is okay for him to let you know that. However, you are the one who gets to choose your clothing. Consider how you want your life to be, including your relationship, and make a choice. What he thinks is only one of the factors you should consider. Ask yourself if you are doing this because it is what you want for yourself. If the answer is yes, then continue to wear what you have always worn. - the Dean

 

Dear Dean, My wife doesn't like to cook. I would like a nice dinner after a long day. When I get home I need a warm meal but I seldom get it. She is always busy with the children or has been to some gabfest with the girls and is tired. How can I get her to prepare a decent meal? - Bruce in MO

 

Dear Bruce, Perhaps you can't. It is not her job to prepare a hot meal for you unless she has agreed that it is her job. Did she agree to be the cook, or do you just expect it because that is what women do? If she agreed to it, find out how you can be supportive. If she didn't agree to be the cook then find out how you can have a hot meal; or eat a cold one. This is obviously a part of the relationship that is causing a problem. Perhaps it is as simple as your wife resenting you being the boss. It is way past time to sit down together and find a solution that will fulfill the desires of both of you. - the Dean

 

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

 

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

As individuals we always make choices according to our beliefs. If we believe that the world is a dangerous place, and that everyone is out to get us, then we act accordingly. And the world will respond accordingly. Things will always end up being the way we think they are - just because we think they are that way. When we don't believe that we can have the things we want, then we won't have them. When we think this way we create for ourselves an un-enjoyable life.

 

Most of us want to have peace in our life; and in the world as well. The problem is we see a world where others want to take advantage of us or rule over us. They see the world in the same way. As a result we end up distrusting the motives of others and believe we have to defend ourselves from them. Most people want to be loved but don't act loving! All we have to do to have a peaceful world is to believe and act as if that is what everyone wants.

 

When someone does a bad thing to another, what we really want is that they never do such a thing again. If we search together for a new way of responding we can solve this problem. When we believe that they must be punished for their act; and respond accordingly; they take it as an act of aggression, and vow to continue the fight. When they learn to trust our peaceful motives they will respond with trust and we can then solve our differences in a loving way.

 

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

Failure always gives us the opportunity to try something else. One of the greatest challenges is to learn to accept not achieving our goal. We can learn to look at such disappointments as a signal to re-evaluate our goals and the methods of getting there. We can even look at it as an opportunity to pursue different goals.

 

Our perceptions are not facts. They are mirrors of our thoughts in that we choose what to focus on, and our belief system determines how we interpret the information. We get different interpretations because we have different beliefs. To change our interpretations we must change our beliefs.

 

The important thing to remember is that how we perceive a conversation with a loved one, the behavior of others, or our own personal performance depends on our unique frame of reference. If your perception produces a warm feeling great! But if it is upsetting, it is time to stop and review your perceptions to try to determine why you are upset. If you want your perceptions to deliver different results, you must make some changes. Learn to accept feeling upset as a signal that you are in need of a "perception adjustment."

 

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: When someone speaks to you notice how you feel about it.

 

Tuesday: Notice how you feel when someone disagrees with you.

 

Wednesday: Notice how you feel when a goal or desire is not realized.

 

Thursday: Think about what belief you have that makes you feel upset.

 

Friday: When your response is upsetting think about a way to feel about the same event that is not upsetting.

 

Saturday: Create a new belief that will allow you to feel positive about the upsetting event.

 

Sunday: Resolve to always find ways to create positive feelings about all of the events in your life.

 

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.DeanOfPeace.com

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I conduct workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

 

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