Dove with Branch
May 4, 2015

Insights From

the Dean of Peace

 

Notes from the Dean's Desk
Dear Peacemaker,
 
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Ask the Dean?
Dean Van Leuven   Global Struggle

Dear Dean, My work situation is very stressful, and I have a difficult commute. My family wants my attention as soon as I get home, but I am in need of some quiet time. My job is essential if they are going to have all the things that they want. How can I get them to respect my need for quiet time when I get home in the evening? - George in MA

 

Dear George, You explain your need to them in such a way that they will be able to understand and respect it. They will wait; if they understand why and it produces a happy father. I suggest before you do that you look at other aspects of this. Realize that the stress from your job is self-induced. For your own sake you would do well to change that. When you are stressed you model stress and upset for your children. Maybe you will find releasing the stress more helpful, and time with the family more valuable, than living a stressful life. - the Dean

 

Dear Dean, My husband works in a dead end job that doesn't pay enough to meet our needs. I am driving a twelve year old car to take my kids to activities. They don't have enough clothes. They don't have the money to eat out with their friends. It is embarrassing! I urge him to get a promotion or find another job, but he is happy where he is. He says he wants to be able to enjoy the children as they grow up, and this job allows him to do that. How can I motivate him to find a better job? - Belle in CO

 

Dear Belle, You could threaten to leave him, but that is guaranteed to produce poor results. Try considering yourself lucky to have a husband who loves his family. Try reassessing your values. You have enough to satisfy everything but your ego. If you can't find a way to be happy with what your husband is providing then find work of your own that will provide the extra self-esteem that you need. - the Dean

 

I welcome questions and/or comments from our readers. Send your Ask the Dean questions or comments to: 90022 Sheffler Rd., Elmira, OR 97437, or visit www.DeanOfPeace.com. to submit by e-mail.

 

Law, Politics & Society ... As I see them
  Globe Magnify Glass

As humans banded together; at first in small communities and then in ever larger social structures we developed rules about how we should live and function together. These are the rules that have become the laws and traditions which determine how our society functions. These structures were created at a time when we were concerned primarily with our safety and when we had little trust that others would follow the rules voluntarily.

 

We developed solutions that did not look beyond the immediate problem we were trying to solve and did not contemplate changes that would occur in the future. Conditions changed and needs changed but rules changed only a little. Our rules and laws are bound by the traditions of the past that are difficult to change.

 

We need to exam these structures in some detail to determine possible changes that will bring them into harmony with our objective of creating a harmonious framework for our society. Our objective is to create a framework that will make it possible for each of us on this planet to experience a peaceful and joyful life. In working to create peace we need to examine each of our society's operating systems to determine their goals and purpose. We need to discover the stresses and obstacles created by the way they presently function. We need to have a general understanding of the functioning and objectives of each of these areas. This will allow us to be able to create productive changes that will help to align these systems more closely with our need to function effectively and to be creative in a Peaceful World.

Creating a Peaceful New World
  World Peace

Our expectations can often get in the way of intimacy - especially when we're not forthcoming with our mate or when expectations clash. We need to let our mate know what our expectations are, find what their expectations are, and then come to some agreement about them. Preferably, we should do this before we enter into any permanent or long-term relationship.

 

Your mate's expectations will always be different than your own. To assume otherwise will only get you into trouble. Too often, we expect that our relationship will or should resemble how things were in our family or how "most couples" relate to each other in this society. We then become partners with someone expecting that they will think and act that way. But we have no right to expect that our perspective partner live up to our expectations, unless they agree to.

 

Anything you consider important in your relationship should be agreed to ahead of time by both of you. When things come up as your relationship progresses, they should be worked out mutually. We have no right to be angry just because our mate doesn't want to do things our way. Their idea of what is important and what they should contribute are just as important as ours are. Expecting them to conform to our notion of how a partner should be, when they haven't agreed to those expectations, and becoming angry when they don't live up to them, is unfair and unreasonable.

 

Tips for Peaceful and Joyful Living
  Left Arrow

Monday: Think about how you want your relationship with your partner to be.

 

Tuesday: Think about the expectations you have for a relationship that are different from a typical relationship.

 

Wednesday: Think about the things you would like your partner to contribute to the relationship.

 

Thursday: Think about the things you are willing to contribute to the relationship.

 

Friday: Think about the differences you may have with your mate or any perspective mate.

 

Saturday: Think about how you can work together to resolve differences.

 

Sunday: Picture yourself living in a perfect relationship with a loving mate.

 

Dean Van Leuven is a psychologist, conducts workshops and is the author of Life Without Anger and many other books dealing with quality of life issues. Contact him on the web at: www.lifewithoutanger.com

 

Additional Notes
 

The World Emotional Literacy League in conjunction with World Without Anger and Lumbini Buddhist University has taken on the task of introducing emotional literacy training in the educational system of Nepal nationwide. In support of that program I conduct workshops throughout the United States and Canada. These workshops provide an introduction to the emotional skills training program as well as an introduction to establishing emotional skills training programs in your local area. The program and my workshops are based on my textbook "Emotional Intelligence - Taking Control of Your Life."

 

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